


And if the Heat Comes Close Enough to Burn; Then We're Burning This Place to the Ground

by SeminalSalmon



Category: Five Nights at Freddy's, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Cold blooded Murder, Crossover, Dead Kennedys - Freeform, Graphic Violence, M/M, Mpreg, Not in a sexy way, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sex, attempted murder of a fucking baby, au where theres no women?, bazonkas., but its like extreme though, but they FUUCKKKKKKK, dubcon but like its not bad, go in blind, graphic cannibalism/hard vore, if you dont have any particular sensitivities dont read the tags, im fucking warning you, it will enhance your reading experience tenfold, like its not graphic, like theyre basically in a cult, men with big fat titties, ok now for the warnings in order of fucked upness, so fucking much, so much spousal abuse, sorry we couldnt avoid it, tit/dick/ass growth, titties?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25545991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeminalSalmon/pseuds/SeminalSalmon
Summary: Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention, death and destruction! When Hamilton took a job at Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, he wasn't expecting to find love! Will he go for the sexy, but sluttish Jefferson or the meek but cute Laurens? And hey, where'd Lafayette go?Get ready to become closer to God and also Hell with this one!
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 11
Kudos: 11





	And if the Heat Comes Close Enough to Burn; Then We're Burning This Place to the Ground

**Author's Note:**

> i'm warning you this fic is crazy. no chapters on AO3 you will read this in one sitting and you will fucking like it.

ACT ONE: THE WHORE OF BABYLON

It was my first day on the job. Alexander had just given me a tour of the pizzeria, and I was excited to get started. He had made me choose this job so we could have a fun summer. But looking at his golden suit shimmer in the sunlight made me want him more. The way he spoke to the kids made me want to have his kids. It was unbearable.

“Laurens! Come help me serve this cake for the children!” Hamilton spoke casually to me, I knew we could only stay friends, the way he spoke to me, the way he looked at me, he couldn’t even tell how madly in love with him I was. It burned deep inside of me, but it would never affect him. I would never tell him. I couldn’t do that to our friendship.

“I’ll help you!” Ugh. It was Jefferson in his Freddy suit. I despised him. It was clear he loved Hamilton, he flirted with him to make it obvious and flaunted his big Freddy boobies at him. [A/N Wish I was suckin on those Freddy boobies :pensive:]

"Jefferson you fucking whore stop trying to practice your strip tease there are children here!" I said, jealous. It wasn't my fault my Bonnie costume didn't have badonkas as big as Jefferson's Freddy costume. How could I compete with milkers that large?

“Come on Laurens! There’s enough Hammy for all of us!” I HATE THOMAS JEFFERSON! He's such a whore and Hamilton doesnt even say anything when Jefferson calls him Hammy, it's disgusting. 

“It’s okay, I’ll just sing to the kids.” I shrugged it off because if Hamilton couldn’t accept me for not having fat juicy jugs did I even want him? Obviously Hamilton isn’t that shallow so he’d never leave me for Jefferson.

While I sang, I watched as my beloved Hamilton slutted around with that fucking WHORE Jefferson. What the hell. His tits were saggy and disgusting anyways but I guess some people only care about their size. My breasts may be small, but they’re shapely and cute. I was absolutely fuming as I watched Hamilton and Jefferson laugh while serving cake to children together, but suddenly... Jefferson leaned in close to Hamilton’s ear and whispered something. They giggled and headed backstage. WHAT. THE. FUCK!! Men are so fucking shallow all they care about are the size of badonkadonas and how fat the ass is. It’s literally not even my fault that I have a flat ass it’s my fucking genetics. 

I decided to follow Hamilton and Jefferson to make sure they weren’t having sex, not because I care about what Hamilton does, but because we were on the job obviously. All men are the same. God. As I quietly followed them backstage, I found Hamilton and Jefferson whoring around just as I had expected… Jefferson was balancing cakes for children on his massive badondoohonkers and Hamilton was laughing. What the hell. I began to sob loudly and ran into the bathroom. 

I took off the head of my suit so that it didn’t get drenched with tears. I tried to hug my knees to my chest but the suit was too thick for it so my feet awkwardly hung over the rim of the toilet. After a few minutes, I heard the door open. I put my rabbit hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs and became still. 

“Laurens? Is that you?” Lafayette questioned softly.

“Yes… It’s me…” 

“I saw you run in here a few minutes ago... Just wanted to make sure you weren’t shitting so hard you had a brain aneurysm or anything.”

“Th- thank you…” I sniffled loudly. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, it’s nothing…”

“You’re crying though, what is it?”

“It's just… what do you do when the man you love cares about some stupid whore with big milkers more than you?”

“If I were you, I’d try to get over him.”

“But how?”

“Well… I could help you with that.” I could hear his tits grow in arousal from the other side of the stall door. 

“L-Laffy…” I felt my face heat up. Could I really… did I dare? I had always fantasized about losing my virginity to Hamilton, but was that even possible anymore? Jefferson had his stupid whore spell cast over him, and I wasn’t sure it was something me, with my flat chest, would be able to break.

Slowly, I slid the lock out of the door. Lafayette was struggling to get out of his Foxy head, his supple breasts visible through the rest of the costume. God, did everyone here have bigger tits than me? I choked back another sob. It was too embarrassing. 

He stepped forward into the stall and gently cupped my face in his hand. 

“Laf-” I choked out, sniffling like a little bitch.

“Shut up, whore.” He whispered before moving his hands to my neck and lifting me in the air. 

He slammed me into the wall, knocking the air out of me but only a little bit because my costume padded and reduced most of the impact. I was a little horny but mostly just confused to be honest. My tiny little badondadadoodas had yet to inflate with arousal, but it didn’t seem as if Lafayette had noticed yet. 

He began to kiss me, and his breath smelled like stale pizza and cheap beer. Honestly I couldn’t believe I was still going along with this because it seemed like it had been a few days since this dude had showered, but I'd do anything to spite Hamilton. His tongue shoved its way into my mouth and I started sucking, which I immediately regretted because FUCK that thing tasted like 3 day old mozerella poppers.

“Haah...” He said, pulling back for air, breathing his stinky ass breath all over my face. “You know, you itty bitty titty bitches aren’t half bad…”

I gasped. So even Lafayette thought I had small tits?! I started to cry again. Lafayette tried to lean in but I shoved him away.

“MY BADADONDAHOOAKADOONDADONAS ARE ONLY SMALL BECAUSE OF FUCKING GENETICS YOU GOD DAMN ASSHOLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I HATE YOU AND I HATE ALL BITCHES WITH BIG FAT MILKERS. WHAT THE HELL. TINY TIT HAVERS ARE TRULY THE MOST OPPRESSED GROUP.”

“Damn you’re crazy as fuck. I kinda dig it though. Want to sex?”

I gasped and began shaking. I’d never even considered having sinful premarital intercourse before… much less with Laffytaffy! What the hell was I going to do…

“I... I…” I thought about Hamilton. I had already let this gutter trash whore steal my first kiss from him. I couldn’t let him take my virginity with it…

“Get out! Leave me alone!” I screamed, pushing my way out the stall. I felt hot tears streaming down my face and I did my best to wipe them away with the side of my arm.

“Damn, tease much?” Was all Lafayette had to say. “I’m already at half mast, man, you’re just gonna leave me like this?”

“If you want to get your dick wet that bad then why don’t you go fuck that WHORE Jefferson.” I ejaculated angrily.

“Honestly doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea lol. I’ve already had the sex the sexy sex the sex sex sexy sex with him before anyways to be honest. By the way he has, like, way bigger tits than you. And his ass is fat as hell. I don’t know why you think you can compete with him when your badokabowakanohakas are pretty much the size of your fist. Like, holding those jugs was like holding two separate cow udders. And he lactated too!”

I began violently shaking, so much so that it looked like I was having a seizure. Lafuck’s eyes widened with fear as he realized what was happening. “YOU ARE A STUPID WHORE JUST LIKE JEFFERSON, US SMALL TITTED GUYS ARE GONNA GET OUR MOMENT AND YOU’RE GONNA RUE THE DAY.”

My jaw began to unhinge… “But for now… I must give all men with huge massive front lumps what they deserve…” I kicked Lafayette in the balls the best I could through his suit. He may have had massive tits but he had TINY nuts. 

“No... please… don’t do this…” He nutted in the same manner Gamzee told Terezi she was hurting him in that one panel of homestuck. 

“We live in a society… small handlebar havers rise up.” I placed my elongated jaw over the crown of his head and locked it up hard. I could hear Markiplier saying ‘is that the bite of ‘87?!” in my mind. Suddenly, as his brain meat touched my mouth… my bondidoodonkers began to feel odd. I started chewing, and, strangely, they started to feel as if they were growing. I swallowed the chunk and looked down. My tits had definitely gotten a little bigger. 

Lafunkytown whimpered and spluttered on the bathroom floor, trying his best to crawl away from me with a chunk of his brain missing, but I grabbed his collar and brought his stupid fucking face close to mine. He was shaking, and cerebrospinal fluid was dripping down his face. There was an animalistic look in his eyes. A primitive kind of fear. That of a man who knows he’s about to die. I’d give him what he deserved. I’d give them ALL what they deserved.

“Laurens…” He said weakly

“Don’t you FUCKING ‘Laurens’ ME YOU DIRTY FUCKING WHORE. YOU WOMANIZING ASS BITCH. YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN GOOD. I AM GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE. THE MORE OF YOUR FLESH I CONSUME. THE FATTER MY TITS WILL GROW. AND NO ONE WILL EVER CALL ME AN ITTY BITTY TITTY BITCH AGAIN. AND…”  
I trailed off. If I succeeded in this… if I ate enough men to get the fattest badokarohabookibonkas of anyone in the whole diner…

Alexander would finally be mine.

I wondered what he was doing right now, how fat my jugs would be if I ate Jefferson, how he would cup my juicy knockers, how his face would get lost between my tantalizing cleavage, and how his friends could help me do this. No. How his lovers could help me do this. I could be his only. His only friend, his only family, his only lover. How he would have to spend all his time with me grieving over his friends to me, he doesn’t have to know.

A sickening grin plastered itself to my face. I stared down at Lafayette's weak body. He whimpered as I reached down and grabbed a chunk of his brain, ripping it off. Not like he’d need it anymore anyways. I brought the piece to my mouth, feeling my bondidoodas grow a bit bigger. He would be mine in no time.

I let out a maniacal laugh. I heard Lafayette whimper below me. Faster and faster, I tore into his limp body, every bite swelling my sensual boogabangabodangadodonkonkas. They would be as big, no, BIGGER, than Jefferson’s dodododankadonkbingbonkabonkaroos when Alexander's friends were gone. When I had fat titties, he wouldn’t need them anymore anyways. 

I was on the last chunk of Lafayette's leg now. I had devoured him whole, leaving only a bit of his thigh to finish off my meal. It was as if it had all gone to my tits. I didn’t feel any fuller than I had before I began, but my honkers did. Maybe cannibal badondooga growing is different from actual eating. 

I needed to get an endoskeleton into the Foxy suit before Hamilton realized what I’d done. He can never know. Nobody needs to know. If he found out, would he stop loving me? Could I convince him otherwise? Of course he loves me more than Lafayette, he was disposable to the group so it didn’t really matter that much. He would get over it.

I looked down at my suit… shit. Blood was staining the fur, and chunks of flesh were stuck between my now medium-sized tits. Was I really only average sized after that? I was going to have to take down every employee in this establishment if I wanted to compete with that fucking cockslut Jefferson.

I looked down. Lafayette’s suit was relatively clean. I slunk out of my bloody suit quickly, deciding I'd wash it after I got an endoskeleton into the other. 

I put on the fox suit and walked out of the bathroom casually, as if I hadn’t just eaten a man. My tits were still a bit smaller than Lafayette's had been, but hopefully no one was paying attention. 

Suddenly, I heard that whore’s voice beside me. 

“Hey Lafayette! You were in there for a while. Everything okay? Where’s Laurens?” Jefferson asked annoyingly. I rolled my eyes from inside the suit. Even from the corner of my vision I could see his plump mammaries bouncing with every breath he took, his orbs were so large as to rest comfortably on the floor. They shined under the fluorescent lights, so bright that the reflection temporarily blinded me. They hung bare out of his Freddie suit, he'd cut holes in it long ago. Even back then there was no way they could physically fit in the cramped space of his suit. Right now he was resting his arms on top of them, his toes trailing off the ground from their sheer volume.

I put on my best annoying bitch impersonation. “I am fine. Laurens is shitting.”

“Oh, okay, it just seemed like-“ 

“Nothing happened. I am busy. Fuck off.” 

Jefferson looked to the ground timidly and I walked off, proud of how hard I’d owned him. Annoying asshole. I hate him. His death will be my greatest accomplishment. 

Suddenly, I heard his annoying whore voice again. “What’s up with you, man? Ever since you fucked Hamilton, you’ve been acting strange. Did he give you herpes or something? If so it would be nice to know, because I just fucked him and-“ 

My heart dropped. It sank to my balls. Was Hamilton a whore too? No…

As much as it hurt… I couldn’t confront him yet. I had to get Mulligan out of the way first. “Nothing is up. Leave me alone.” I hurried off to the suit storage room. 

I needed to find a way for Washington to not be able to see me from the cameras. I hope he didn’t see the bathroom footage but it seemed pretty out of the way. Plus I’m like 99% sure it’s illegal to put security cameras in bathrooms anyways. That would just be creepy. I looked into the camera and walked to the corner of the room. How would I do this? 

Ever so slowly, I stepped out of the suit. My heart beat out of my chest. When I was fully out, I grabbed an endoskeleton and began putting it inside ever so carefully as to not warp the metal. 

I put the head on. My work was complete. I’d wait until the transition period between customers leaving and Washington showing up to move it to Pirate Cove. 

I was puzzling over how I’d get my suit back here to clean when, suddenly, I heard the door opening. I ran to hide behind the upright fox suit.

“Fuck god damn I was so busy having a 14 person orgy that I forgot I had work. Shit. Fuck. I’m so going to get fi-” Mulligan stopped as he saw the fox suit.

“L- Lafayette, I, uh… I didn’t know you were in here, sorry, I’ll just... “ I breathed a sigh of relief as Mulligan turned to leave, but suddenly…

“Wait, are you okay? Why aren’t you saying anything?” My heart pounded as Mulligan approached the suit. “Lafayette…?” He reached his hand out to touch it.

Suddenly I jumped out and put my hand over his mouth, pinching his nose shut. I held him to my body as he thrashed and tried to scream. Eventually his eyes rolled back into his head as he passed out. I dropped his body to the floor, looking at his engorged badoodonkas. I knew what I had to do. 

I locked the door to the storage room before I picked up Mulligan’s limp body. Like a bearded vulture, I smashed his skull into the floor over and over again before his head split open, revealing his fragile cerebrum. He might have been dead. I didn’t care. Like a starving man at a buffet, I began eating chunks of his brain. Within a few minutes I had reached his hips, and within a few more he had disappeared. This time, I had been more careful, making less of a bloody mess on the floor.

I stood up shakily. My badonkadonks felt so heavy that I was off balance, making it hard to walk. They had to be at least DD cups now.

Looking at the clock, I observed it was a little past closing time. I peeked outside the storage room door. Complete darkness. I didn’t see Hamilton or Jefferson either. I picked up Lafeyette’s now endoskeleton filled suit, carrying it through the restaurant to Pirate Cove as quickly as I could with both the combined weight of it and my engorged breasts slowing me down. 

Breathing hard, I deposited the animatronic on stage. It would be up to me to turn it on tomorrow, but for now I’d take a break and...

God fucking damn, I had to put an endoskeleton in Mulligan’s chicken suit too. I never get a fucking break do I. This is what the world is like for tiny titty bitches… Although, I guess I didn’t really have tiny tittontas anymore, did I? No, I had massive titties now. Just a bit smaller than Jefferson’s, although I’d be changing that soon. Hamilton couldn’t reject me now. He didn’t have anyone left anyways. Only me.

I snuck into the bathroom, pulling my rabbit suit into the storage area. I put a second endoskeleton inside of Mulligan’s suit as quickly as I could before pulling it onto the main stage, exhausted by the end. I’d say that having big ol badadondadoodonkas was overrated, but I knew how wet and dripping Hamilton’s boy pussy would get when he saw my new juicy milkers.

If I was going to turn the animatronics on tomorrow, I’d have to get here early. Honestly, I might as well just sleep at the pizzeria. I don’t think I could make it home to my cardboard box with the amount of energy my new honkabadadoodonkers had taken from me.

Washington was probably here now though. I had to be careful and choose an area to hide out in for the night. I was pretty sure the cameras in the kitchen were disabled, so I boobily breasted my way to it, hoping he didn’t see me. 

I hid out under a counter, realizing I was actually fucking starving. I hadn’t eaten real food at all that day, just people. I wolfed down a pizza, ignoring how stale and greasy it tasted. God damn. Delicious. Finally, some good fucking food. Mulligan and Lafayette were boobalicious but not filling.

I fell to the floor, my gigantic knockers weighing me down like the stomach of a morbidly obese person on My 600 Pound Life. Anyways I passed right the fuck out good night.

ACT TWO: JUDAS

I awoke around 5:30 AM, 30 minutes before the pizzeria opened. I had no trouble sleeping, as my ginormous globes had cushioned my head as I slept. As I stood, my back experienced excruciating pain like never before. One of the many sacrifices I had to make due to my now incredibly huge knockers was severe spinal pain.

I took a slice of pizza between my teeth like an anime girl does with a slice of toast and headed to Pirate Cove.

POV: HAMILTON

I walked into work, my average sized mediocre melons resting tittily on my chest. It seemed oddly quiet today, even Lafayette and Mulligan weren’t doing their usual bickering.

Upon further inspection, they didn’t even seem to be here today. Maybe they had finally decided to act like real men and have hate sex and fall in love. Their suits were on stage, but they seemed to have endoskeletons rather than real people inside, based on how robotic their movements were. 

“Man, I wish more people were here today,” I said solemnly, “I’m in the mood for a real 14 person hate orgy…” I sighed, knowing I would instead have to rely on pornhub and a stealthy hand to get my fix today. Or Jefferson, if he wasn't too tired from last night…

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON!” I jumped as Burr came crashing through the doors of Pirate Cove. “WHAT did they say to you to get you to have a giant sex party here, in the MIDDLE of a CHILDREN’S PLAYPLACE!? And before marriage, even...”

“I…” No one had really convinced me, in fact it was actually my idea. What can I say, tubes turn me on. [A/N This Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria has a playplace like Mcdonald’s x3]

“No. Your constant defiling of the sacred MONOGAMOUS institution of marriage ends now, Alexander.”

“Burr-!” It was too late. He had already pulled his flintlock pistol out the neck of his suit. A shot rang out through the air and-

“ALEXANDER NO!” All of the sudden someone dove into me, their supple and voluminous bazonkas knocking me clear out of the way and into the wall. The man wailed as he collapsed to the floor.

“Fucks sake. That was my last fucking bullet.” Burr said, turning to walk out the door.

I looked to where the figure had fallen. “Laurens?! What are you doing here?! And how have your badonkadonks become so… engorged?” I kneeled down to where he was laying crumpled on the floor, and held him tight against my chest. His breathing was shallow and laboured. “I mean, I wouldn’t really care so much if your tits were as tiny as the last time I saw you, but- fuck, Laurens! You can’t die on me now! Not when your globes are so shapely!”

“A- Alex…” He said weakly, his eyes glazing over. 

POV: LAURENS

I couldn’t believe it… Alexander Hamilton was cradling me in his arms. If I knew this would happen, I would have gotten shot more often. The fur of his suit was brushing against my bare back. My breast had managed to cushion the shot significantly, but it was still bleeding like a motherfucker. Alex reached down, worry in his eyes, and tried to staunch the flow the only way he knew how. Applying intense pressure to my tit. 

Hamilton copping a feel had been the subject of so many of my late night fantasies, I couldn’t help but blush. What’s more, it felt… good. I tried in vain to stifle back a moan, but his soft touch on my sensitive globe aroused me in a way I didn't think possible. God, I was such a fucking freak. My vision clouded by lust, I weakly lifted my gaze towards the love of my life. 

...And he was staring at me with a mixture of fear and contempt in his eyes. My heart dropped from my titanic orbs into the pit of my stomach. God, why did I have to be such a whore? Not only that, my breasts still couldn’t hope to compete with Jefferson’s. Alexander probably thought I was a worthless cockslut desperate for any attention I could get… and I was.

POV: HAMILTON

As I stared down at the man who had risked his life for me, I noticed that the bullet had grazed the side of his voluptuous hooters. I put my hand on the wound softly, applying pressure. Laurens moaned, blushing hard. I stared at his face judgmentally. Whore. Imagine moaning because someone touches your tit wound. The hell. Anyways.

After some time, I was fairly sure that the bleeding had stopped, so I pulled my hand away. Laurens gasped as cold air touched the wound. Seriously, the hell was wrong with this dude. Shit felt like a terrible fanfiction.

As I looked at my hand, I noticed something was off. There were bits of what looked like bone intermixed with blood. There was also a gray-pink chunk that I decided not to think about. I suddenly began to question whether or not Lafayette and Mulligan had intended to skip work.

I looked at Laurens, his eyes still clouded by pillow biting bottom boy lust. When he saw the look on my face, he seemed to sober up. Nervousness became apparent on his visage [A/N We know it is a pussy word.].

“W- what is it…?” He questioned bottomly.

“Why are there white and… gray chunks within your breast?”

His eyes widened. He began shaking on my knees. With disgust, I stood up. His hesitation to answer said more than enough. 

“W- wait, Alexander, come back-!”

I hastily walked away, hoping to find Jefferson.

POV: LAURENS

He left me on the cold tile floor, naked and afraid. And bleeding [A/N Omg that sounds like the 7th and final track off Priests’ 2014 EP Bodies and Control And Money And Power, “And Breeding” Lol.] Chunky blood still slowly oozed from my wound onto the disgusting floor of the Pirate’s Cove.

God, I hated myself. Tears joined with the blood on the floor as I sat shaking in the dark room. I had finally come close to Hamilton, just to fuck it up like always. 

POV: HAMILTON

I found him in the storage room.

“Thomas, thank god you’re here, I-”

Suddenly he pounced on me like a wild animal, shoving his whorish tongue down my cock-hungry throat like a starving man at a buffet or like plants when it rains etc etc. I moaned into the kiss, which prompted him to bite hard into my lip.

“T- Thomas!” I gasped. Finally, someone wanting to fuck me that’s not a bleeding out weirdo. His hand patted down the length of my body until it finally reached the crotch of my pants, which was really hard for Jefferson to find because his weighty charlies put at least five feet of distance between us. I blushed and hid my face in his black-hole like cleavage as he unzipped my suit. 

“Did you want something, whore?” He said cheekily.

“Thomas… I...” He was already starting to palm me through my Hatsune Miku boxer shorts. His touch was driving me insane. “Please fuck me Thomas, please, I want to be your cocksleeve- AH!”

He wasted no time flipping me over and slamming me into the far wall of the storage cabinet. I moaned hard, my face muffled by one of the suits. It smelled really, really bad and I thought I could see some sort of… chunks on it, but I didn’t have the concentration to ponder it more when Jefferson was violently fucking my tight boypussy, his jumbo-sized jubblies bouncing against the small of my back. The suit was probably just stained with some dumb kid’s vomit, anyways. Nothing to worry about.

Jefferson was grunting with each thrust, his sweaty hands grabbing me by my slender, femine hips. “You like that, whore? Little bitch?”

I didn’t respond. What was wrong with me? Usually I would be drooling all over myself for a chance to be his bratty bottom, but…

I thought about Laurens. The way his breasts felt in my arms, his gentle blush as I cradled him…

No. I tried to banish all images of him from my mind. I belonged to Jefferson and anyone in the world who wanted to have an orgy with me ONLY. I could never be with Laurens… he was a freak and his tits were too small anyways.

As Jefferson’s thick cock continued to assault my dripping bussy I tried my best to fake moans for him, as I knew he hated a quiet slut. Images of Laurens continued to flit around in my head. What was wrong with me? Jefferson just didn’t feel the same anymore, not since… not since…

It processed in my mind for the very first time that Laurens had almost died for me. He was such a bottom that he was actually willing to risk his own life to save mine. What did that say about me then, that I had so callously walked out on him to go get a quick fuck?

“You’re being quiet, sweetheart. Not rough enough for you?” He slammed into my juicy ass with increasing velocity, making me cry out in arousal. But even though Jefferson was the one piping me, in my mind I only saw John, his hazy eyes, the way his breasts fell as he was shot, his cute blush as I kinkshamed him.

I moaned loudly. I was getting close. “Thomas- I- I-”

Thomas didn’t say anything, just grabbed me by my hair and started fucking harder. I could feel my pussy growing tighter as I started gasping for air. As soon as I started to come, the door slammed open.

POV: LAURENS

As I laid on the ground weeping, I suddenly remembered the bloody-brain-mattery suit I had left lying out in the open in the storage room. I stood as quickly as I could, stopping for a second to try and pop my back but ultimately failing because God damn that shit is hard when you’re not sitting in a chair with a backrest on it. I then bent over and touched my toes in an attempt to crack my back because that works sometimes but it only made a weak crunching sound. I ran to one of the chairs at the tables in the lobby and sat down, holding on to the backrest and twisting to both sides until my spine finally made a popping noise. Hot damn. Having fat melons actually kind of sucks but Hamilton likes them so it’s whatever really.

When I stood up, I noticed my left boob was popping out of my now too-small bra. I readjusted it, but then out came my right boob. I tried to center my AA bra between my now DDD breasts, but it just wasn’t happening. Really it wasn’t like the bra was providing me with any support anyways, but I don’t like it when my naked knockers touch my stomach. After a bit of trial and error, I got the bra somewhat centered, with both of my titties now popping out in the middle.

I began running to the storage room. I had to grab my hooters with my hands and hold them to keep them from swinging up and down. Shit dude these things were sweaty as hell.

Finally I made it to the storage room, nearly falling as I stopped running because these things were still fucking with my sense of balance. As I burst through the door, I found Jefferson fucking the everloving shit out of my beloved Hamilton.

“LAURENS~” Hamilton screamed bottomly just as I entered.

Everyone in the room paused. Jefferson remained sheathed within Hamilton’s tight bussy as their eyes slowly met.

“WHAT.” Jefferson stared at him with disdain.

“J- Jeffy, I-” Hamilton grasped at him desperately.

“Whore, fuck off. I know we have a poly relationship going on but you can’t just go around yelling out people’s names who you’ve NEVER EVEN HAD SEX WITH while I’m fucking you.” He pulled out roughly, a loud pop ringing out through the room.

...Jefferson had a huge dick. Like, twelve plus inches. Man was like a fucking horse. And yet… Hamilton still screamed my name. I bit my lip as I felt my length growing within my jeans. I hadn’t noticed yesterday, but it seemed as if my formerly flat ass had also gotten quite a bit bigger. Maybe that was why eating two people had only given me DDDs. My erection was clearly visible through my tight shorts.

It seemed as if eating them had ALSO given me a much bigger hog. Maybe hard vore wasn’t so bad actually. I felt all of the blood leaving the rest of my body as it rushed to my engorged cock. 

Jefferson walked over to me angrily. He punched me hard in the jaw, and I fell to the floor. My head spun as I got up slowly, my heavy bubuhongos weighing me down.

Hamilton ran over to me. “Are you okay?” A look of worry framed his features. All the telltale signs of a toxic relationship between Hamilton and Jefferson were there… emotional manipulation, yelling, etc… I knew what I had to do.

“Hamilton… how would you feel about me eating your abusive boyfriend so that my bazookas, posterior, phallus, etc. grow to vast sizes...”

Hamilton looked to the floor in consideration. I could see thoughts running through his head at a million miles a second... pondering the ethical and moral ramifications of allowing me to eat his boyfriend so that I’d get bigger jugs…

Finally, Hamilton looked up and met my eyes. “Laurens… I’d love nothing more than for you to cannibalize my boyfriend in order to become sexier in my eyes.”

I took a step towards him, and he cupped my head in his hands. 

“Hamilton…” I moaned femboyishly.

He leaned forward and kissed me softly. My johnson grew rock hard inside my jorts as we made out, only coming up every once in a while for air. Finally, he pulled away.

“Let’s go kill that bitch Jefferson.” He ejaculated passionately.

\----------

POV: HAMILTON

I walked around the pizzeria cautiously, on the lookout for Jefferson. Laurens and I had come up with a plan, the first step of which was to find my former top.

“Jefferson! Please come back, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I just-!” 

“I’m here, Alexander. Let’s have a chat.”

I turned around. There stood Jefferson, still in his bear costume.

“Tommy… I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this, I just-”

“We need to discuss the boundaries of our relationship.” He took a step towards me. Nearly where we wanted him. “First of all, what do you define a poly relationship as? Because-” He was in position.

“LAURENS, NOW!” Jefferson’s eyes widened in surprise as John tackled him from the side, taking him to the ground.

“Hammy?? What the hell is this? You didn’t tell me you were adding another person to the polycule! I mean, I’m down for an impromptu threesome anytime, but we were just talking about our boundarie- AAH!”

Laurens bit hard into the side of his tit. A loud pop resounded through the main lobby of the pizzeria, and liquid began pouring from the side of Jefferson’s rapidly deflating breast.

The room fell silent. Laurens paused and pulled away, face red from the force of the blast. I took a few shaky breaths. It couldn’t be. 

“Jefferson… what the hell?! Your jumbo norks were fake this whole time??” I nutted angrily.

“Alexander, I… I thought you’d be mad if you knew, so I-” Thomas looked absolutely mortified. What remained of his breast was hanging in bloody tatters from his chest.

“I don’t want to hear it… You sicken me. Bitches with fake plastic jugs are absolutely revolting. You’re disgusting, Thomas.” I glanced towards my newest lover. “Laurens, do your worst.” 

Laurens reached into Jefferson’s now cavernous breast, plunging his hand into the other man’s chest cavity. Thomas screamed as his still-beating heart was pulled from his tit hole. Laurens took a bloody bite of the organ, squirting blood all over the pizzeria carpet. 

Jefferson’s eyes sunk, his lack of a vital organ clearly taking a toll on him. Laurens stood, placing his foot on Thomas’ head. He slowly applied pressure to the weakened man’s skull, taking sadistic pleasure in how the man squirmed weakly beneath him. A thick line of drool fell from his mouth. Jefferson shuddered when it landed in his ragged hole.

Laurens lifted his other foot in the air, placing it atop the dying man’s head. He jumped, landing with a sickening crunch as Jefferson’s head cracked open. The sheer force and velocity of his jello biafrabakadonkas sent Laurens crashing down on top of him, cracking his spine.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, seeing Laurens crush the skull of my former daddy dom made me feel a certain way. I wanted to fuck the absolute shit out of Laurens. Those big fat tonka trucks and that shapely little submissive ass.

Laurens began to devour Jefferson face first, stripping the flesh from his jawbones and slurping it up in one fluid motion. When he reached Thomas’ thigh, he offered a chunk in my direction.

“...For me?”

“I mean, if you want to. Like, if you don’t think it’s weird or anything. Don’t have to though. It’s, uh, fine.” He blushed and looked down. I remembered how I had called him a freak earlier- was he still intimidated by me?

I kneeled down and gingerly brought the chunk of flesh near my mouth. Laurens was looking into my eyes expectantly. Fuck, when did he get so close? I started sweating. The blood from the meat was running down my arm now. Everything felt too much, I was too hot, the room was starting to spin around me-

In my sudden vertigo I nearly dropped the chunk. Laurens dove forward and caught it before it hit the floor

“Wouldn’t- haah- wouldn’t want it to get unsanitary or anything…” His face was directly below mine now. Our eyes met. I felt my face heat up even more. His eyes were sweet, caring, as blue as the bonnie suit he was wearing, and just as fuzzy.

I really, really wanted to kiss him.

“I…” My breath caught in my throat. Laurens swallowed and reached his free hand to cup my face. I felt his bloody thumb gently stroke my cheekbone as he slowly brought Thomas’s thigh to my lips. 

I took a second to note the metallic taste of the fresh blood. I took a bite. It tasted similar to beef, but it was sweeter and the texture was softer. Really… it tasted pretty good. As human meat had made Laurens’ melons grow, my huge elephant schlong felt as if it had increased in size.

I smiled tenderly at Laurens, blood and pieces of skin in my teeth. He smiled in turn, offering me another chunk of leg meat. I took the piece, savoring the flavor while Laurens gnawed on Jefferson’s femur.

Eventually, the corpse was gone. We had eaten all of it. I glanced at Laurens’ juicy milkers, which had grown to at least an Z cup. I bit my lip, feeling my peepee grow hard at the sight. God damn I fucking loved titties.

Laurens noticed me staring at his chest.

“You can touch them... If you want to…” He turned his gaze to the side, clearly embarrassed. “I want you to...” 

He blushed and grabbed my hands, placing them on his bulbous honkers. I groped a feel, admiring their natural shape in comparison to my piece of shit newly dead ex’s artificial jugs.

“...Alex...” He moaned. His cute, twinkish frame grew hot under my touch.

“Shh…” I said, grabbing his chin as I leaned forwards to kiss him. 

His mouth tasted rich with iron and the various remaining chunks of Jefferson’s flesh. I could feel his blood smear over both of our faces as Laurens deepened the kiss. He clung onto me, wrapping his arms around my back like the absolute bottom he was. I could feel his rock-hard nipples pierce into my chest. He moaned again. Shit. This was getting serious.

I reached down to grope Laurens’ penis. He gasped hard, swatting my hand away.

“A- Alexander, no, we can’t… not before marriage…”

“Before WHAT.”

“I’m a devout Christian Alexander… having sex before marriage is a sin. I won’t commit sin just for a moment of pleasure… No matter how much I want to.” Laurens bit his lip.

“Laurens, I’m not going to stop having 14 person orgies just to accommodate your religious beliefs.”

“Well in that case… Alexander,” Laurens leaned in close. His face was a deep red, but he spoke with a confidence unlike a man that looked like he got his ass rammed.

“Will you marry me?”

I felt my face flush. Marriage? As a man-whore, such a commitment was unthinkable for me. How was I going to keep having my wild sex parties while my body and soul were devoted to one man? 

Laurens was staring at me with his dough-like [A/N like bread dough] eyes, and all thoughts of wild eighteen-somes fled from my mind. Right now, I only wanted to get in the pants of one man, and one man only.

“Laurens… I do.”

He squealed and wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me tight into a hug. My body was sandwiched in between his galactic honkahooters. God, I couldn’t wait to fuck this man silly.

“Oh! I almost forgot!” He pulled back from the hug and grabbed me by the shoulders. “We need a ring!”

Shit. Uh. I looked around, more eager to get back to fucking him than I really was to be marrying him. A few feet away from me, a section of Thomas’s small intestine lay discarded on the linoleum floor. I crawled over to it and snatched it up as fast as I could. This erection wasn’t gonna last forever, and I could feel my balls going blue. 

“Laurens…” I lifted him into my lap and took his hand. Shit, what did people say when they were proposing? I tried to remember what that bitch with big ol' tonhongerekoogers in the wedding porn I watched last week said. Mostly it was just, “STEPBROTHER? What are YOU doing at my WEDDING?” and “Ahah, be quiet, the GROOM is gonna HEAR us!” Probably not the best thing to say right now. 

My train of thought was interrupted with Laurens resting a hand on my chest. Which kinda sucked because I was starting to get hard again thinking about wedding porn, but when I saw his expectant smile my heart melted right into my balls. 

“Laurens… I… I want you to be mine forever. Please. I want to fuck your tight boypussy every single day, Laurens, please be mine-”

He launched himself directly into my face, enveloping me in a passionate kiss. I fell over backwards from the sheer force of it. Just as fast as it had happened, he tore away from my face and held me down by the shoulders.

“Of course I’ll marry you, Hammy!” He grabbed the intestine from my hand and jabbed his finger through it. I felt some of the juice squirt onto my face. Honestly? It was kinda hot.

“So… does this mean…” I groped for his bulbous, swollen ass. God, he was so hot. My hips bucked up a little.

“We’re not married yet, silly!” he giggled. What. What the fuck did he mean not married. My balls fucking hurt, at this point I would even fuck Jefferson again, even if his boobs were really fake and ugly just like his personality.

“What… do you mean? Sweetheart.” I remembered just in time that sweetheart was something you were supposed to call your spouse, even if for some reason we weren’t actually married yet? Which didn’t even make any sense, aren’t you married when the ring gets put on? I had also heard about consummating it, which seemed really hot and something I wanted to do right now but for some reason Laurens was against that even though HE asked ME to marry him.

“We’re engaged, but we still have to have the actual ceremony to get married! There has to be a pope and everything, it’s really official and lots of people come to see you profess your eternal love for each other.” He leaned in for a quick kiss again. Damn, this dude was obsessed with me. It was kind of cute though. “I can’t wait to plan it with you!”

“Wait. This sounds gay, like some monogaminimist type of shit.”

“Marriage does tend to be strictly monongamins, yes!”

It felt like my heart was being blue balled… I couldn’t believe this. How could I, Hamilton, residential manwhore of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, stop hoeing around and participating in orgies of twenty men at once?

“You mean I can’t have sex with other men?”

“No.”

“AT ALL??”

“No you fucking dumbass. That is literally the point of being married. What the fuck is wrong with you. Are me and my massive badondidadoonkadoos not enough for you? Is that what it is? You’re a slut?” His eyes started to get teary again. Fuck. I mean, it was definitely true that I was a slut, but… being with Laurens made me feel better than any orgasm I’d ever had. Except that one time I participated in that twenty eight man orgy and I got my bussy absolutely POUNDED by James Madison and Benny “Sprinkles” Franklin at the same time.

“Laurens, if I have to go strictly monoginamus to make you happy.... then so be it.”

“Soviet??? What the hell, are you a fucking tankie????” For a second he looked like he was actually about to strangle me. Jesus. I didn’t even know what a tankie was. Sounded kinda dommish though. 

“No, I said so be it. So. Be. It.”

“Oh my bad. In that case, O M G!! Hamilton it makes me so happy that you’re willing to stop slutting around to be with me. I love you!” Man, we were just getting married and we were already saying the ‘l’ word? Laurens kind of freaked me out with all his ‘marriage’ and ‘monogiganamonomus’ and ‘love’ and ‘Christianity’ shit, but god damn were his jugs fat.

Still, despite all the love and monohogamy and feelings and shit, it was getting really really hard for me to keep ignoring the bulge in my pants. I bit my lip.

“Okay wait. Would it be strictly against your religious beliefs or whatever the fuck for me to jerk my dick so hard while thinking about you that I lose all feeling in my left thigh for three hours.”

“Well… masturbation is also a sin, so…”

“You’re breaking my FUCKING heart here dude. Can I go fuck a stripper with massive badabangos or something. I am begging you. If I don’t nut within the next hour my balls will fall off. Laurens.”

“What did I just say about mahogany!!”

“Right, sorry. So there’s no way I can nut?? At all???”

“Nope, not until we’re married! Orgasms only exist to encourage humans to reproduce anyways! They’re not necessary for life!”

“They’re necessary for MY life, Laurens. My balls are so fat that if I don’t nut at least five times a day, they weigh me down. I can’t even swim.”

“Teehee, guess you’ll just have to drown then!”

God, I thought I’d been edged hard before, but this was extreme. Seriously, was Laurens secretly a dominatrix or something? How was I supposed to not nut until our wedding? I could barely go an hour without clocking out to jerk it in a stall with twenty five of my closest buddies!

“Laurens… I... I can’t” I stuttered out.

He giggled and grabbed my chin, bringing my face close to his. “You’re cute when you blush.”

God. Hnnnnghhhhhh. Fuck. The physical touch was too much. I turned bright red. “L- Laurens!” I cried. I immediately filled my Hatsune Miku boxers with gallons of cum. It dripped down into the legs of my Golden Freddie suit. Suddenly, it occurred to me that with such a bulky costume, Laurens wouldn’t even be able to tell whether or not I was jerking it, much less cumming… Looks like I’d be orgasming behind my fiance’s back until the wedding.

“Hamilton? Are you okay?” his brow furrowed in concern. He squeezed my cheeks harder and cocked [A/N haha cock] his head. You’re not hurt are you? I-”

“Laurens,” I managed to gasp out. God. That might have been the second best nut of my life. And he didn’t even touch my dick. How embarrassing. “Laurens. I’m fine. Really, really good actually.” I chuckled.

“Oh, okay, I just wouldn’t want you to get hurt before the wedding because it’s really important to me and you’re really important to me and-”

“Laurens. Calm down.” I put my fingers to his lips, partly to shut him up but also because I kind of hoped he’d start sucking. 

“Oh, okay. So, uh, do you want to start planning?” He asked sheepishly.

“Of course. Babe.” Anything to get into my beloved’s pants.

ACT THREE: MATRIMONY

Finally, at long last, after what felt like decades despite actually only being around eight days of nutting into my golden bear suit, it was the day before the wedding. Laurens hadn’t caught me cranking my hog, but we’d been around each other so often that I didn’t have enough time to empty the suit of its built up jizz, resulting in it pooling up to the middle of my neck every time I stepped foot in it. What could I say, I had fat nuts.

“So Hammy, I’ve been thinking... for our wedding, let’s get married in our suits! I mean, we’re already getting married here after all! Why not stick to the theme!”

I felt my balls pop deep within my stomach. No… it couldn’t be…

I was disgusted. The cold baby batter was obviously unpleasant to be stewing in, and it had been leaving rashes all over my exposed skin. To think I had to get married in my seminal fluid, all because I’d gone against the wishes of my lover… I suppose I had no one to blame but myself, really.

“Of course dear… I wasn’t sure what we were supposed to wear anyways…”

“Um, a tuxedo? Hammy, were you planning to get married in that O’Reilly Auto Parts t-shirt?”

The shirt in question was covered in jizz stains and marinara sauce. [A/N That is the only shirt that Hamilton owns. You will not question this.] Honestly, I’d never heard of a ‘wedding’ before all this bullshit Laurens had been pulling. I shrugged.

“Well, anywho! Seeing as it’s the final day before our holy matrimony… I hope you’re ready to be your absolute best tomorrow!” He winked at me, his fat titties bouncing jiggly.

I felt my wee wee growing hard in my pink Old Navy shorts. Suddenly, my desire to marry this whore was reinvigorated. 

In the storage room, I put on my suit, my seed sloshing around inside. I REALLY, and I cannot stress this enough, REALLY did not want to get married in this thing, but tu as des freres ou des soeurs? J’ai une soeur et elle s’appelle Eliza. [A/N I’m not translating that for you. Be a big boy and put it through Google Translate yourself.] I’d do what I had to for my jiggly chested hoe.

\----------

It was nearing the end of the day when Laurens approached me on the stage. We had been so busy for the entire day due to our newly found understaffing, caused of course by John’s cannibalizing of the former staff, that we were in entirely different areas the whole time.

“So, Hammy, I gave it even more thought, and… Maybe we should wear tuxedos? I don’t know, your suit is still vaguely stained with blood, and I just…”

“I support you 100%. I would love nothing more than to get married in a tuxedo. Please. For the love of god.”

“Eee! O M G, great! I assume you have a tux?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine.” The tuxedo in question was years old, and I’d worn it for the last time at my grandma’s funeral, but whatever really. I’d just cut a hole for my horse cock and potentially my fat ass, if that was necessary.

In the storage room, I ever so gradually stepped out of the ejaculate filled suit. I was dripping wet by the time I made it out, having busted another nut during the day (was thinking about pregnant men).

“Wow Hammy… you sweated a lot during the day…”

“Yeah, I was thinking about the wedding and got nervous or whatever. What do you want from me. Fuck.”

“Nothing, I just… sigh, nevermind.” He said the word sigh out loud.

\----------

It was finally the day of the wedding. It was scheduled for right after our shift was over. Not that I knew anything about what was going on, Laurens had scheduled everything. I was cool with it though. Marriage seems kinda gay. Tbh.

As I sloshed my way into my suit, I noticed the seed felt a bit… harder than it was before. Like hardening concrete. But it was just one shift, surely it wouldn’t solidify enough to prevent me from escaping. I fully intended to still have my daily nut.

\----------

A long shift was over. I had busted not two, but three times during the day. A lot of dilfs with juicy badongas had been in the pizza place that day. On my third nut, splooge poured out of the mouth of my suit and onto the bathroom floor. That had been fun to clean up. It had also seemed significantly harder than the cum in my suit had at the start of the day. 

It was the moment of truth. I attempted to step out, and… my feet were definitely cemented inside. I wasn’t getting out of this thing. Dread pooled in my semen-encased stomach. I’d have no choice but to share my shame with Laurens.

“What’s wrong sweetheart? Nervous about the wedding?” He spluttered bottomly at me.

“On. Uh. Second thought. I want to stay in my suit.”

“But… but we agreed that we’d wear tuxedos.”

“Yeah, tough shit, I changed my mind. The bear suit stays ON during our wedding.”

Laurens lowered his head submissively. His shoulders slumped. I wasn’t going to let this gayboy guilt trip me though.

We walked into the lobby together, me still in my golden bear suit and Laurens in his tuxedo. The pizzeria was decorated in blue and gold party streamers, with a few of those shitty little paper lantern things scattered throughout. It looked like a children’s birthday party.

The cake was one of those shity sheet ones from Walmart that had probably been like twenty bucks tops. I mean, I’m not saying that those cakes are bad or anything, and don’t get me wrong because I do love those cakes, but I was fairly sure marriage was supposed to be a big thing or whatever and a twenty dollar cake didn’t really feel significant, y’know? It was whatever though, commitment is for suckers.

Laurens walked to the other side of the lobby while I took my side on the makeshift altar, a small table with a pizza stand on top. 

I glanced to the side, looking at the wedding officiant. It was Aaron Burr. The dude who had most assuredly tried to kill me less than two weeks ago. The fuck. What was Laurens thinking?

He seemed to notice my staring. “Oh, don’t worry, ol’ Ham boy! I don’t want to murder you in cold blood any more, you’re monogamous now! I’m also the only one who was willing to officiate this wedding! Laurens told me, yeah!” 

I slowly turned my attention to the audience. I observed George Washington, James Madison, Charles Lee, and an assortment of several other femboys in the audience. 

Finally, Laurens began walking down the aisle. ‘Discord’ by The Living Tombstone played daintily in the background. His bobongas jiggled cutely on his chest, hypnotizing me with their sweet rhythm. My weiner hardened despite the concrete-like cum encasing it. 

He made it to the altar, giving me a soft smile. I smiled back, but seeing as I was in a bear suit, he didn’t see it.

“What is up Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria audience! It’s me, DJ Burrleazy, back at it again to officiate another sexy, sexy monogamous wedding! Let me hear you all shout for monogamyyy!!”

The crowd was silent.

“Well, uh, that’s okay! Let’s get on with this wedding biznasty!” A club mix of ‘Bad Romance’ began playing over the poor quality pizzeria speakers.

“Well, my freakanista soulmates, why don’t you two say your radnasty vows! Eeyow!” I had nothing prepared.

“Oh, my Hammy…” Laurens took the lead. “From the day I met you, I knew you were the one. You took me under your wing on my first day here… You gave me a tour, and you showed me my suit in the storage room. My heart fluttered as you helped me put it on and led me to the stage.

I love you so deeply… I’d do anything for you. My heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest any time you’re not around. It’s strange, really. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. This strong feeling of possessiveness. My emotions amplify tenfold when I’m around you. 

You are mine. I will keep you forever, and I will hurt anyone who tries to stop me. Even if it’s you. Until the day we die, I will never leave your side and you will never leave mine. No matter what it takes. Love you!”

There was a pause.

“WOOO! LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR CRAY-AZY LOVEBIRDS!” The audience clapped feebly.

“Now, uh, Hamilton, let’s hear those vows, you picking up what I’m throwin’ down lil’ dog?”

I took a moment to think of what to say. 

“Laurens… I knew from the day that your… rack, grew so sizeable and shapely, we were meant to be or whatever. You, uh, you proposed to me. And I said yes. Because you are very attractive to me and stuff. And we have to be married so I can, uh, truly appreciate your beauty.

I don’t really believe in love or whatever. Or, uh, I mean, I didn’t, until I met you. Yeah. Loving you is the most natural thing I’ve ever done. And stuff. We’re meant to be. Love you babe.”

“YEEEAH ALRIGHT LET’S HEAR IT FOR THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS! WOOOO!” Two individuals in the audience clapped while the rest remained silent.

“Alright, time for the real show!” Burr struck a pose, as if he expected a reaction from the audience. He pulled a thick stack of notecards out of his pocket.

“One sec here, babes… let me just, uh, find the right ooone…” He looked through the stack.

“Oh, here it is! Let’s see…” He cleared his throat. “My sicknasty pal, Laurens… Do you promise to stick with this freaky, deaky dude, in both the bad and good times? Like when he’s sick? Not the good kind of sick? Or when some rando tries to shoot him to death? BOOYAH, SELF ZINGER! Wait I think I’m supposed to mention this part specifically, do you take him to be your HUSBAND?! AROOOOOOOO!!!”

“I do.” Laurens smiled. My eyes shifted to the breast Burr had shot, thinking of the sacrifice he had made for me.

“AND YOUUU, my freaktastic boy Hamilton, do you promise to stay with this pillow biting bottom boy, in both the good and the not so good times, BOMP?! Like, even when he’s overdosing on heroin or some biznasty in an alleyway?! Happened to me once, folks… the old whore I was with lied apparently cause that bitch left me! Whomp whooomp! And do you TAKE this sick mfer to be your HUSBAAAAAAND?! KA-POW!”

“I, uh, yeah, I do.”

“And now, folks, legally by LAW I gotta ask this next part! So, are there any objections to this beautiful marriage?! WOMP WOMP!”

Someone in the audience stood up.

“I object.” Washington’s commanding voice rang out through the lobby.

The crowd gasped. All eyes were on him.

“I… You guys are eating people! I can’t be the only person who noticed that, right? That’s why none of the other pizzeria staff are here except these two, and that’s why Laurens’ breasts are, uh… larger! Than they previously had been!” He started to visibly sweat, his eyes drifting to said breasts.

“Wow.” Laurens began. “Let me just. First, let me say how CREEPY it is that you’re STARING and INVESTED in my rack. What is WRONG with you? And second of all… what’s so wrong with eating people anyways?”

Washington stared, dumbfounded. “Wh- I- What’s wrong with EATING PEOPLE?? It’s murder and you’re cannibalizing the corpses, that’s what’s wrong with FUCKING EATING PEOPLE?!”

“I mean… really, what’s so wrong with murder anyways?” Burr casually ejaculated.

“IT’S FUCKING MURDER???” 

“Yeah, but, like, when you consider the amount of people in the universe and stuff, and that everyone dies eventually… one little murder really isn’t so bad, you know?” 

The crowd slowly began clapping, eventually cheering and shouting for the source of logic that was Burr. Washington stared at him with a horrified expression.

“What on EARTH is wrong with you people. My god, I need to get out of here.”

Washington took a step towards the exit. I ran over, blocking his way.

“No, I don’t think so.” I gripped him tightly by his shoulders, forcing him to kneel on the floor.

“You don’t have to do this, I won’t tell anyone, I-” His eyes were frantic, his entire visage trembling under my tight grip. 

“Well, Washington, thing is, I don’t see any food in this entire wedding, do you? We have to eat something, it’s a wedding after all! And I see no better candidate in this room… than you.” I licked my lips. Being cemented by jizz all week had made it difficult to eat any real food. Washington looked absolutely delicious.

Washington lowered his head gallantly. He sighed. 

“Make it quick, then.”

Laurens grabbed the knife that sat atop the Walmart brand cake. For the first time, I was grateful that the pizzeria bought too-sharp knives. I’d sliced my hand open on them many times. They’d make this execution easy.

Laurens handed me the blade. I took it in my hand, noting the weight. After a moment of contemplation, I pressed the blade to his throat.

“Goodbye, Washington.”

As I was about to make the cut, he grabbed my arm, taking me to the ground and disarming me. He scuttled across the room, grabbing the knife from the spot it had landed. I laid on the floor in shock for a moment, pain radiating through my body from the impact. That bitch had tricked me!

“You’re a fool if you think I’m going down that easily. I’ll put an end to your nefarious eating habits once and for all!”

“You always were the brave type, I suppose I should have expected this.” I chuckled. “Guess we’ll have to do things the hard way then, hm?” He nodded in response.

He was settled into a fighting stance, sunk low to the ground with his back to the altar. I jumped up from the floor in one fluid motion, a skill I had perfected at one of my many dance-parties-turned-mass-orgies. “Et tu, Brute?” I sneered.

“Dude you’re using that quote wrong. Caesar said that when he was KILLED, it’s not a fucking- SHIT!”

I launched at Washington face first, my teeth bared and ready to strike. I knew my famous strategy of using famous historical quotes wrong to distract my opponent would prove invaluable here, since Washington is a huge fucking nerd and honestly not pretty enough to be the manager of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, but the franchise owner said he was “responsible” and “a hard worker”, whatever the fuck that means.

I was inches from his carotid when I was stopped with a shudder. My teeth snapped shut on air. Slowly, my gaze turned downward to the knife penetrating deep into my matted suit. Washington chuckled darky. I heard Laurens cry out from the altar.

“Fool, I have bested you. You-”

“Um, actually, pissbaby, I’m fine. Look harder.”

Washington’s eyes shifted to the pit in my suit. A viscous white liquid, nearly solid, was ever so slowly dripping out. He took a step forward, pulling a string of the liquid out.

“What the FUCK. Is this.”

“It’s jizz, you ignoramus. Rather than stabbing me, you stabbed the thick layer of nearly-dried splooge building up in my suit. I bet you feel rather stupid right now, hm?”

“What the hell is wrong with you. Oh my god. I just pulled a string of your fucking- your- your fucking SEMEN out of your suit!” He retched.

I stepped forward, taking advantage of his weakened state and grabbing the knife from his hand. 

He met my eyes after a moment, knowing what was about to happen. He kneeled again. This time, I beckoned Burr to bind his wrists.

“And in the end, you die a fool’s death. Funny, is it not? We as humans-”

“Fucking kill me dude. I can’t live a moment longer knowing I just manhandled your dried CUM.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever...” I mumbled. Fucking whore. I had that speech specifically prepared for if I ever happened to face down with my manager. Granted, the setting was at one of my orgies (because at the time I had no concept of “weddings”) but I’m a flexible person! Whatever. 

I placed the blade to his throat again. With one swift motion, I had sliced through his jugular. A light red mist of blood shot in spurts from the wound. It intermixed with the ejaculate still dripping from my suit. I let go of his head, and he fell to the floor, as Burr had released his wrists from the moment of the slice.

There was silence in the room.

“UH OH SPAGHETTIOS! THIS IS AWKY TAWKY FOLKS! BUT I GUESS THAT TAKES CARE OF BOTH THAT OBJECTION AND THE FOOD! RIGHT ON!”

I stepped up to the altar.

“OPPA EXECUTION STYLE! YOU TWO SWAGIFIED LOVEBIRDS MAY NOW KISS EACH OTHER IN THE NAME OF GAY RIGHTS!”

I took the head of my suit off and stepped forward, gently kissing Laurens. I grabbed his sweet manass tightly, my penis growing rock hard. But as much as the brutal execution had turned me on, Laurens seemed... hesitant. He pulled back and pushed me off. He looked to the ground timidly. He seemed… disappointed.

...Fuck. The cum. He must have realized I was going behind both his and Our Lord’s back to sate my own carnal desires. I sucked in air through my teeth. Burr was right. This WAS awky tawky…

“HELLS YEAH! MARRIAGE! MONOGAMY! FUCKING A! LET’S CUT THAT CAKE MFERS!! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Laurens stalked over to the cake, fists clenched and shaking. I could see in his eyes he wanted to rip my intestines out inch by inch for having the audacity to disobey him. Gingerly, I handed him the knife, still covered in Washington’s blood. He took it without looking at me and sunk the blade into the cake slowly, cutting out a square piece.

He set the piece on a Freddy Fazbear’s Brand Party Time Paper Plate (™). Ever so slowly, he handed the plate to me with rigid movements. It shook in his grasp. I accepted it carefully. His nostrils flared.

Suddenly, he grabbed the piece of cake. He reared his hand back and slammed it directly into my face, striking my nose hard. He smeared it all over forcefully, his breath labored in rage. His hand shot back to the cake, grabbing another chunk and slamming it into my face. His palm hit me hard, and my nose made a sick crunching noise. He raised his now cake covered fist, slamming it into my face over and over again. He ground his knuckle into my pulverized nose.

“WIG!” Burr gesticulated from his spot at the altar. “WHAT A SMACKALICIOUS WEDDING TRADITION!! FUCK.”

Blood was gushing from my nose now. I could hardly breathe with the combined stress of my now inverted nose and the additional cake bits clogging it up.

“L- Laurens…” My eyes were teary from the hit.

Laurens leaned in close to my ear. “Don’t you ever fucking disobey me again, whore. Fuck you. Fuck. You. You disgusting piece of shit. You need to learn the hard way what will and will not fly around here. You listen to my instructions, and things like this won’t happen. Do you fucking understand?” 

Tearfully, I nodded, trying hard to suppress my trembling. Fuck.

Laurens slapped me across the face, then spit on the floor, giving me a hateful glance for a moment afterwards. He walked past me towards the exit.

“Laurens, wait!” I cried, my voice warped by the blood in my throat. He flipped me off without looking back and continued through the pizzeria doors.

“WOAH WOAH WOAHHHH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH ALL THIS FOOD, YOLO?!” Burr yelled.

“Shut the fuck up, I don’t care. Eat it without me. I’m fucking LEAVING.” He slammed the door on his way out, the plastic wobbling in the frame.

Shakily, I approached Washington’s corpse. I used the knife to cut off a chunk of his thigh, and brought it to my mouth.

I turned to face the wedding group. 

“W- Why don’t you all come join me?” My voice shook.

They approached me cautiously, worry apparent on their faces. We ate the corpse quickly, although I only took small pieces. When it was done, I ran out the door as fast as I could, ignoring Burr calling after me.

I sat in my car, realizing that I was still wearing my bear suit. I gingerly stepped out of it, depositing it by the door of the pizzeria. 

I drove home. Looking in the mirror, I knew I’d need medical attention. I didn’t know what I’d tell the hospital when I got there. I changed clothes and slunk back into my car. 

I drove. Tears, blood, and cum stained the seat. I kept driving.

ACT FOUR: HEAVEN; PLEASURE

[A/N HAPPY FUCKING 4TH OF JULY… TODAY IS HISTORIC BECAUSE IT IS THE DATE OF LAURENS AND HAMILTON’S WEDDING!!! HAPPY MARRIAGE YOU MFING LOVEBIRDS AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! COINCIDENTALLY TODAY IS ALSO THE DAY GEORGE WASHINGTON DIED.]

I woke up, an intense throbbing present in the center of my face. My alarm blared beside my bed. I slammed the off button.

The hospital had done all they could to realign my nose, but they told me I’d need surgery to reconstruct it. When they asked what happened, I said I’d tripped and fallen off the stage at the pizzeria. They sent me home after that, although I’m not sure they believed me.

My stomach sank as I realized I’d have to face Laurens again. I was so embarrassed. I hadn’t even managed to get off last night before bed because of the guilt. 

I scooted off the bed and walked to my bathroom. God I looked rough. I’d never been so glad that I had to wear a costume for work before. 

I got ready and walked out to my car. For a tender moment, I rested my head on the steering wheel, my balls throbbing.

\----------

The door of the pizzeria loomed ominously in front of me. It was actually made of glass so I could see inside, but I pretended I couldn’t so I could have a dramatic anime-esque moment.

I pulled the door open. Then I remembered it was a push door. I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

I didn’t see Laurens. Maybe he’d taken the day off? I hoped so, I had no idea how I’d face him after the shame I’d experienced yesterday. 

I opened the door to the storage room (it was a pull door).

Laurens was standing beside my suit, a wide smile on his face.

“Oh Hammy, you’re FINALLY here! I was so sad we didn’t get to be together last night! Let’s sleep together this evening, both physically and metaphorically, tee hee!”

God my balls ached when he said that. If I didn’t nut inside Laurens’ boypussy at least seven times tonight, the cum would probably build up to my heart and I’d die.

“You’re not… mad at me?” I didn’t want to set him off, but I needed the clarification.

“Oh Hammy, of course not! It took me a little time, but I think I understand why you had to upset God like you did!”

“Thank god. Fuck. My balls are bursting.”

“Don’t ever molest yourself again or I will string you up in the basement of the pizzeria and chop your hands off.”

“I. Uh.”

“I’m fucking serious.”

“Okay…” He was tough, but I knew it was because he loved me.

“Tee hee! Great! Let’s work hard today, Hammy!”

\----------

It was only halfway through the day, and my balls were so heavy with cum that I had to hold them as I walked. This wasn’t good… I couldn’t fondle my testicles while I was in a room filled with children…

I knew what I had to do. I took a shaky breath. Laurens would be so mad… he could never find out.

I stepped into the kitchen, still in my newly cleaned of cum suit. A slab of pizza dough laid on the counter. My forehead dripped with sweat.

I needed something to fuck, and something to nut in. The dough could serve both of those purposes… I’d throw it out afterwards.

I grabbed the slab, putting it through the mouth of my suit. I unsheathed my massive peepee.

The second my weiner touched that dough, it was like I was fucking Jesus himself’s tight man ass. My god. It felt so incredible on my penis.

I was really going wild, getting close to orgasm, when suddenly… the door opened. I froze.

“Hammy? What are you doing in here?” Laurens inquired bottomishly.

“Oh, Laurens, I, Uh. I’m just. Making pizzas! For the kids!”

“There’s nothing in the oven… there isn’t even anything on the counter! I know I made some dough earlier…”

“Must have gotten used already haha.”

“No, it couldn’t have… I made it less than twenty minutes ago… Hammy, are you lying to me?”

“Laurens my love you know I would NEVER lie to you I am a faithful man of god.”

“Then where is the dough.”

My mind was racing. What could I possibly say to make him believe me? Finally, I had an idea.

“Well Laurens, you know I’m not very… GOOD, at making pizza, per se…”

“Go on.”

“I was using your dough, to make a pizza, and I- I burnt it in the oven! Burnt it beyond the point of edibility! Man, I was… so sad! That I wasted your dough like that! I actually, uh, I just threw it out before you got in! And was about to make more dough!” 

“I don’t see any burnt pizza in the trash.”

“I took it to the dumpster… I wanted to hide my shame from you!”

“Hm… that… that does make sense I guess… You have always been a shitty cook…”

“Fuck you but haha yeah I’m good at making dough though!”

“I’ll leave you to it, then… I’m sorry I bothered you…”

“Roflcopter, no problem!”

Finally, he was gone. The door closed softly behind him. I breathed a sigh of relief, and, once again, began going to town on that dough.

I busted hard. Never before in my life had I produced so much nut. It came close to overflowing the pit I’d dug out in the center of the dough to hold my man batter. I gulped air into my lungs, my forehead drenched in sweat.

Post nut clarity hit hard. Shamefully, I removed the ruined dough from the mouth of my suit. I headed out back to the dumpster and disposed of the cumdough, hoping to god that Laurens would never find out.

\----------

The day finally ended, and it was time to go home with my beloved. The man who had reduced me from a wild orgy party animal to a humble married man, unable to even masturbate without severe punishment… And I was okay with it, all because of his fat badonkadonks.

“Hammy, let’s go home!” 

“My house or yours?”

“Why would you fucking ask me that. You know I live in a cardboard box in the alley beside Mcdonalds. What is wrong with you.”

Shit. I had completely forgotten. When Laurens first began working here and I’d given him a tour around the restaurant, I vaguely recalled him telling me his entire tragic backstory. I, of course, had chosen to ignore it, instead staring at Jefferson’s fat juggalos… 

“Sorry, I was just so tired from work that I forgot! Let’s, uh, go back to my place, then.”

“Tee hee! I’m so excited! I love you, Hams!”

Christ this dude was a whore. Fuck love. That shit is fake. A made up chemical reaction in your brain designed to keep humanity sane… But I wasn’t like everyone else. I’m a wolf born in a man’s body… And I mean that in an otherkin way. I’m also bearkin and fictionkin with Rick Sanchez from the popular Adult Swim show Rick and Morty, as well as the Joker and Gonzo the Muppet.

Anyways, point is I don’t believe in love. Never have, never will. It all began in my childhood… one devoid of love or pleasure. My parents were wealthy… They often took trips to the Bahamas, leaving me home alone with my sexy shirtless butler. But he wasn’t sexy enough… his chest was flat. Massive pecs, but no titties. I was disgusted.

In my teenage years, I began to rebel… insulting my butler’s flat chest, bringing home badonkadonk-boy mags and jerking off out in the open in my living room to their fat milkers… All as a fuck you to the man. I knew my parents had hired the butler partially as a live-in prostitute for me, but they hadn’t accounted for my love of jugs.

When I was 15, in an act of rebellion, I lost my virginity to a boy with large badonkadahoodas. I took him to my house after school and had loud sloppy badonker sex with him while my ugly butler listened from the other side of the door. That boy? Thomas Jefferson. Ever since that day, I’d been in what I’d considered love with him… Until I realized that it wasn’t real. I’d never loved him at all. I was with Jefferson because I lusted after him. Nothing more.

I needed fatter badondadoohonkerdodoos… It had always amazed me how much Jefferson’s grew, seeming to always match my needs… Until I discovered that he had a kind of implant that grew bigger with time. Absolutely disgusting.

Laurens had just what I needed. Those fat, natural bonkaroos… So sexy. I knew how quickly I’d grow tired though, always needing them to grow bigger and bigger… It just meant I’d have to get Laurens to continually eat people. Better than implants, I figured.

I wasn’t in love with Laurens, no. I can’t love anyone… I’m a loveless creature, doomed to walk the Earth filled with lust rather than anything pure for those closest to me. But for the sake of his busty ragadoos, I’d pretend to love Laurens. He needed that security, the creature comfort of being loved and cared for… And in exchange, I needed his bondoodabangobas.

I snapped out of my thoughts, trying to remember what I had been doing.

“Oh shit, I, uh, love you too babe.”

“You’re the best Hammsie!”

“Yeah, great. Oh shit, if you need to take your car to my place, I can give you directions-”

“I take the bus. If I had a car I wouldn’t be sleeping in a FUCKING box.”

Wordlessly, I guided him to my car. 

Maybe I really wasn’t cut out for marriage. After all, I seemed to be fucking this one up pretty bad already, and it had only been a day. I sighed wistfully and turned on the radio.

Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye  
\----------

We arrived at my house after a silent drive. Laurens followed me to my door, and once inside I led him to my bedroom.

“Here it is… la casa de Hamilton. Not much, but…” I grimaced, remembering that this dude used to live laugh love in a box.

“Oh Hammsy, it’s so nice! Oh, I’m so happy to be here!” He hugged me tightly to his chest, his bewbs encompassing me.

Fuuuckkkkkk. My ballllllllllllllllllssss. Surely Laurens could feel my weiner poking into his badonkadonks.

POV: LAURENS, FUCKING FINALLY

As I hugged Hammsy tightly to my chest, I felt something grow in his nether regions.

“O- oh, Hammie… I- I…”

“It’s okay, Laurens. But for the love of god. If we don’t have sex soon.”

I bit my lip. We were married now, but still… What if it upset God? It had only been a day, after all… It couldn’t hurt him to wait a little…

“We will soon, but…” I sighed, “I just don’t want to upset God… It’s still so soon, and… What if he thinks we’re whores! Getting married, just so we could have sex…”

“Damn that’s crazy. Who would ever do that? But like, we’re married. So it shouldn’t matter anyways. Laurens you don’t understand how important this is to me. I am fucking begging you. I will do anything.”

“W- well…” I didn’t know he felt that way… It was clear I had to do something. 

“Although I don’t feel completely ready… for sex… any type of semen deposit besides that which is intended to create child is strictly forbidden… and I know how much this means to you… therefore, Hams… I’ll l- let you procreate with this bussy…”

He immediately began unbuckling his pants, exposing his ginormous hortoschlong. 

“Oughhh Hammy there’s no way that is fitting in my virgin pussby…”

“Laurens. Yes it will. For the love of god.”

“Capitalize God when you say it please.”

“For the love of God.”

“Hmm… okay, I’ll try… but if it doesn’t, you can’t deposit baby batter anywhere else as it’s sinful and must be used for concep-”

“Laurens I am going to cum.”

I bent over into a downward dog position on the disgusting shag carpeting that looked as if it hadn’t been replaced since ‘84, covered in whitish-gray stains. I grimaced, knowing the sins my lover must have committed here. Drinking glue before marriage is strictly prohibited, and he should know this... Oh well, some compromise must be made in a healthy relationship. I would let this one go.

“Hammsie what is taking so loOOO-” He thrust inside suddenly. It hurt… but I’d bear with it for my lover.

He pounded my deep love cavern like a blind man in a desert and he’s been in the desert for a really long time like think maybe a couple weeks drinks water. His blindness is unrelated but imagine him stumbling around on the sand like a dope lol.

Anyways, back to the passionate sex. Hamilton fucked that pussy. He really fucked it. Fucked it hard and fucked it good.

“Oh goodness Hammsie I am- I- I am climaxing!” Sperm spilled from my pisser onto the carpet below, not that one could tell the stain I’d made apart from the others.

Release felt very nice, but I knew I mustn't relish in the pleasure of the moment, as pleasure during mating was strictly prohibited by The Lord.

Hammerton hammered on, really pounding into my glistening tunnel. Suddenly, he bellowed loudly, similar to the yell of a zombie in Black Ops 2, and slowed down. I could only assume he had also reached his climax, as I did not feel any liquid substance within my nether regions.

“Are you done, Hamster?”

“FUCK. Yes. Thank gOD!!”

“God.”

“GOD!!”

“Good. How long do you suppose it will take for me to bear your child?”

I felt him tense up.

“Laurens… I, uh. I was wearing a condom…”

My eyes widened. This couldn’t be… Contraceptives of any sort were STRICTLY forbidden under the same clause which forbid pre marital sex and glue drinking. I couldn’t fucking believe this. Someone less naive may even believe that Hamilton wasn’t Christian, but I was no skeptic.

“YOU WHAT?!”

I stood up, looming over Hamilton as I backed him into a wall.

“YOU KNOW THAT CONTRACEPTIVES ARE FORBIDDEN, WHAT THE FUCK sorry God IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“I- it must have slipped my mind- I didn’t- I didn’t mean-”

I backhanded him fiercely and he fell to the floor, crumpled and clutching his face.

“Laurens, please… Don’t do this… I’ll repent, I- I’ll confess my sins… whatever I have to do-” 

I kicked him hard in the chest, knocking him to the floor. I ground my foot into his moobs.

“You should have considered the consequences before you sinned. Now, I will punish you for the atrocity you have committed, your crime against God.”

“Oh shit, like, BDSM? Thank god, you had me worried for a second there-”

“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, CAPITAL G! GOD!”

I reeled back and kicked him hard in the ribs.

“And this isn’t your whorish BDSM bullshit. You will obey God, Hamilton.”

I knelt to the ground and picked him up by the collar. He would be punished. I would make sure of it. 

And in the end, he would surely thank me for granting him access to the Beach House of The Lord.

ACT FIVE: REINCARNATE

POV: HAMILTON

I came to slowly, every bone in my body aching. Fuck. I was splayed out on a cold concrete floor, where I must have been napping for quite a long time, because my back hurt like a motherfucker. Besides a pair of underwear, I was completely nude. I lifted my hand to rub my temple and something sharp rubbed against my cheekbone, sending a shock of pain directly into my palm. I tore my hand away and gasped. In the center of my palm was an industrial nail longer than my index finger. My breaths came short and fast. What the fuck? I lifted my other palm in front of my face. The same. I felt tears well up in my eyes. What did Laurens do to me? I tried to rack my brain for any information about last night’s events- was it last night? How much time had passed? I sat up as best I could without my hands to leverage me, migraine worsening with every shift in altitude. 

The room was dark, save for a faint beam of light that filtered through a small window near the ceiling. Was I in a basement? I sweeped the rest of the room, my eyes beginning to adjust. The walls were stripped, bare insulation poking out from wooden beams, and some kind of-

I jumped. Looming over me was a grotesque, silvery creature. Bent wires and steel poked out at odd angles. It’s hollowed eyes stared deep into me, and it’s grin… I shuddered. Too many teeth.

I flew into motion. I had to get away from that thing. That creature. Without warning, I came crashing down, smashing my jaw on the concrete floor. My feet throbbed intensely. What the fuck? Cradling my chin, I looked down. There was a thick metal chain around my ankle, and my feet had been pierced with nails. Even further back, where I had been sitting, blood covered the ground and wall.

The previous night came back to me in fragments. The condom… Laurens turning on me, savagely beating into me until I could barely stay awake, my blood spewing all over my already cum-stained rug… and then slipping in and out of consciousness as I was dragged into the back of my own car, a hostage to Laurens…

And then the tourture. My breathing sped up as I remembered. Chained in the basement, never quite passing out, forced to endure hours of his holy rage as I was beat and cut and crushed. The way Laurens’ expression never shifted from one of pure anger, even as my mind gave out and I slipped into a blissful nothingness.

It was all a bit fucked, really. I looked back to the silver person I’d seen.

It was an endoskeleton, the kind we put in suits when there was no one available to wear them. I was in the basement of the pizzeria.

I began to laugh. Quietly at first, then falling into a manic fit of glee. Fuck, I couldn’t believe it. I’d always hated this God damned basement. It creeped me the fuck out when they’d forced me to go down here. It was only fitting that this was where I had been tortured within an inch of my life.

The door to the basement creaked open, and my eyes flew over to the staircase. It was Laurens, carrying a dog bowl.

“Hammanuel, it’s so good to see you awake.” He smiled warmly as he approached.

“What’s that in your hands?” My voice was raspy. I hadn’t realized how incredibly dry my throat was.

“Tee hee, it’s water, silly! What, did you think it was food?” 

“I… I am pretty hungry, yes…”

“I suggest you take that back.” His face contorted angrily. “You should know the consequences of your sinful behavior by now.”

“I- I’m not allowed to eat?”

“For forty days you will fast, Heshua. For forty days, and then perhaps you will fully repent. And then we can begin the real work.”

“...The… forty…” My head was spinning. 

“Yes, silly! How can we usher in the second coming if you won’t put in the effort to embody the Messiah!”

The WHAT.

“The second coming…” Crazy as it sounded, I didn’t have the strength to protest. I would accept anything so long as it meant Laurens would give me the water in his hand. My head was splitting. It hurt to even meet his gaze.

“Of God, and of Jesus!” His grin grew wider. He looked like an excited schoolboy, rather than a slightly off-kilter man keeping me trapped in the basement of a pizzeria. “They will come Together, in the form of an amalgam of flesh and muscle and light! You must learn this. You must live by it. I will change you, Hamilton, from a sinful creature of lust and pride to a holy healer. Perhaps you will take the form of God himself. Drink your water before you make any further transgressions, pig!”

He set the bowl on the floor before me. With ferocity, I began to lap at the water. Fuck. At this moment, it didn’t matter to me that I was going to fast for forty days, that there were surely more trials that Laurens would put me through. I had water, and that was all I needed.

Before I could even begin to quench my thirst, Laurens yanked the bowl from under me. I looked up at him, water dribbling from my chin. “I almost forgot!” He grabbed my jaw and brought my face up to look at him. He was staring at me intently, puppy-dog eyes wide. “Hevohah, do you repent for your previous sins?” I weakly opened my mouth. He yanked me closer, looked directly into my eyes. “And DON’T lie to me.” He snarled.

“I… I…” His stare was unwavering. “I repent.”

His grip immediately loosened and a smile blossomed on his face. “Hammy, I’m so gl-”

“And-”

“-Yes? What is it?” He kept smiling, but his grip tightened again.

“I just want to say… I forgive you. And I completely understand. I had no right to go against God like that, to act so sinful… Thank you for going this far to purge the sin from my body. I’m… I think I’m ready for whatever else you have to put me through.”

“Oh, Hammy!” He exclaimed, glomping me. I yelped as he further compressed my already cracked ribs. “I’m so glad!” He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. I tried my best to pat his back, but it proved difficult given the… adjustments he had made earlier.

I slumped down against him. Exhaustion had set in again. I wanted to be free of this basement, to live a normal life with Laurens again… I did genuinely forgive him, he was my husband after all. At the same time, I didn’t think I was fit to be the Final Messiah or whatever… But I was too tired to protest. If I just went along with whatever he said, I could avoid another beating like this one, and maybe he’d give up on this crazy idea, and we could finally be a normal couple again...

I had nearly fallen asleep against him when he shot up and grabbed me by the shoulders.

“Hessiah!” He was grinning excitedly.

“Wh-” Fuck, was he gonna- What did I do? Was he gonna torture me again?

He grabbed my cheeks in both hands and quickly kissed my forehead. His hands traveled back down to my shoulders and gently pushed me down to the floor, putting his forehead to mine.

“I need your semen.”

Huh? Fuck, I was so groggy. This might as well be happening. But still… Laurens being the one to initiate? That was rare, and I was kind of… into it. I smiled weakly. 

“It’s so…” I coughed, splattering a little blood onto my hand. I tried not to think about it too hard. “...so hot, when you get things started, baby…”

“Don’t act as if we are doing this for any reason other than procreation.” He slapped me.

“I’m sorry. Sir.”

“As I am the bottom, you will not treat me as if I am dominant to you. You will treat me submissively, as Christian law states.” He slapped me again.

I kept silent this time.

“Oh, tee hee, it seems as if I accidentally left the nails in your hands and feet from when I crucified you! I’ll just take those out…” He ripped them from my extremities without hesitation. Searing pain erupted throughout my arms and legs.

As I suppressed a cry of agony, he yanked my underwear down roughly. He grabbed my peepee and started to jerk me to full arousal. The pain instantly evaporated. Fuck, it felt so good. Marriage had really made me a lightweight if I was getting this close off a handjob. Even so, I tried my best to muffle my groans. I didn’t want to disappoint my husband, especially now that he was being so kind.

He then pulled off his own shorts and undergarments, though it was much gentler than he had been with me. He positioned himself over my engorged weiner and sat down slowly. Dude could not ride for shit. He turned his face into his shoulder, very clearly trying to hide that he was experiencing pleasure. I couldn’t say the same. I thrusted up, energized by the sight of him blushing bottomly. Fuck, he was so cute when he was trying to not defy God.

“Hammanuel… I- I-” He busted all over my chest with a loud moan. It smelled acidic, but not in a pineapple way. Think mountain dew, if it could come out of a dude’s dick.

He quickly fell silent. He lay limp against my body, no longer an enthusiastic participant. I slowed my thrusts. “Laurens, are you…”

“Keep. Going.”

Finally, after what felt like hours of sex, I came. It didn’t feel good. Honestly, probably the worst nut of my life, which was shocking considering that the runnerup was fucking a slutty, slutty couch.

As soon as I finished, Laurens pushed away from me. Fuck, the air was cold on my dick. He sat next to me, albeit turned away. “Hamilton… I am so humiliated to have moaned like that… I didn’t mean to experience pleasure as I did… and in such a sinful way… I… I need you to punish me so I may repent. Please. I can’t let our child be born of sin.” He hobbled in a way that suggested he was trying not to let any semen spill out over to the corner of the room, where a tub of what looked like instruments of torture sat. He grabbed something that resembled a pear before coming back.

“I don’t think I have the mental fortitude to use this on myself… Hamilton, I need you to pear of anguish my bussy.” I stared at him blankly.

“I’m… what the fuck? Oh my fucking god, Laurens, I’m not using a medieval torture device on you.” I kneeled next to him, taking his hand in mine. He refused to meet my eyes. “It’s not a big deal that you moaned during sex. It’s natural.” 

Lauren’s expression turned from shame to rage in a second. He grabbed my wrist, digging his nails in deep. There went my hope of reforming him from this crazy evangelical shit.

“You are a fucking idiot. You are so fucking stupid that it makes me sick. I can’t believe this. And right after you repented! Acknowledged your sin!” His grip tightened as he met my eyes for the first time. “You didn’t mean a word of it, did you.” 

“Laurens, I- I don’t-” Before I could scramble away, Laurens drove his fist straight into my nose.

“I should have thought before I spoke- I- I didn’t” I cradled my now double-broken nose. Blood was gushing everywhere. The room was spinning. I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks. Why couldn’t things just be normal again? Why was this happening to me?

“You should have thought before you did many things, Hamilton.” He grabbed for my neck and squeezed hard.

Instinctively, I clawed at his hand around my neck, but he hit me in the nose again, causing my hands to fly to my face instead. As I struggled under his grasp, my vision growing blurry… I felt my dick get hard. Not good!

“You stupid fucking sinner,” he growled, “You are meant to be the Lord, The Second Coming, The Messiah, and yet you continue to be nothing more than the Whore of Babylon. You disgust me. What will you do when the time comes, when your Soul is ejected from your body and in its place the Holy light resides? Can you imagine how painful that would be? I imagine it would sting a little. And yet,” He released his grip and stood. “And yet.”

I gasped for air. “Laurens, I didn’t- it’s- I didn’t do it- I can’t control my body-”

“THEN YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO.”

He began kicking me in the ribs over and over and over again and again and I heard the crack of my ribs before I felt the pain, and when it came rushing in I howled for mercy, and it never came, Laurens kept kicking and kicking, breaking them beyond comprehension.

“Laurens,” I sobbed, curling in on myself, “Please, Laurens I just- I just want things to be normal between us again, I-”

“There will be no more normal, Hamilton. Not between us, and certainly not for the people of this earth. When you rise to bring the Second Coming, and our souls are bound eternally to one another, then our relationship will be Pure. And it will be good. And it will be Holy.”

I started crying harder. “What are you- Please-”

He kneeled down next to me and grabbed my face roughly. “You don’t understand yet. That’s fine. It’s fine! It’s okay. I couldn’t possibly expect you to comprehend your cosmological role, your great duty at this very moment. You’re just, well, you, after all.” He leaned in closer. I felt his breath on my face. It was warm. I whimpered. “But I am the Lamb, and I am the Virgin Mary, and I'm going to prepare you for this mission. I am preparing you. Do you understand? This pain, this suffering, it’s nothing compared to the toll the Rapture will put on your body. I have to do this because I love you, as God loves Jesus, and as Jesus loves his followers.” He wiped away my tears with his thumb and planted a kiss on my cheek. I choked back another sob.

He pulled away, leaving me cold and alone on the dirty floor. I felt him looming over me, watching, observing.

I couldn’t stop shaking. 

He turned on his heel and headed for the door. 

“Goodbye, Hamilton. May you find God in yourself.”

I heard the door slam.

\----------

Sixteen days. I had been in this basement for sixteen days, a fact which I was able to garner through the light coming from the small basement window. I was so fucking hungry. And cold. And tired. In general, I felt pretty terrible. Every single day, Laurens would come and give me water some time when it was light out. Then, he’d fuck me (Consensually. I love bussy.) Then, he’d leave me alone in the basement. When I sinned, he’d beat me unconscious. All in the name of God. But I understood. If I wanted to be holy, to be free of sin, the second coming of The Lord, I had to repent for my sins. I had to become a divine man. Perfect in every way.

It had been light out for a while now. Laurens was probably coming soon. He had to be. Laurens’ arrival was the only thing I looked forward to any more, both because he gave me water and because he was someone to talk to. A metaphorical light in the literal darkness I was living in. And his bussy was positively dripping. I found myself infatuated with him these days, a holy warrior coming to save me from myself. Every time he stepped through that doorway surrounded by the light of the lobby, I felt that my own personal Angel had arrived, and I wept.

The moon shone brightly through the trees before I realized Laurens wouldn’t come. I didn’t remember disobeying God at all yesterday, but maybe I had forgotten. I figured it was a punishment for my sins. Still, I felt empty without him. 

I fell asleep thirsty and alone.

\----------

“Hammanuel!” Laurens’ voice rang through the silent void of the basement. I looked out the window. It was early morning.

“Laurens?” I gasped. Even though it had only been a day without him, I was already feeling sick from separation. And hunger. And dehydration. And an overall lack of vitamin D. “You’re early… Why weren’t you here yesterday…?”

“Oh, tee hee! I was busy. It doesn’t matter now, because I have great news… Hammy, I’m pregnant!” He held out a pregnancy test. Positive.

“Oh, wow… Laurens, that’s great! God, I’m going to be a father…”

He hit me in the side of the head for taking The Lord’s name in vain, still smiling.

“I know! It’s incredible, isn’t it?” He put a hand on his stomach. “In there is your spawn… your seed has created something greater than either of us, Hahweh. The second coming of Jesus Christ. And you will become God in time.” 

He leaned down near my foot.

“Please Laurens I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have used The Lord’s n-”

“No, silly! I’m undoing your shackle. With the creation of your child, I have decided to free you. Tonight, you get to sleep in your own bed!”

My eyes welled with tears. “Thank you… Thank you… Oh, thank you…” I groveled on my holey hands and knees.

“You’ve earned it. Now, put on these clothes. Can’t have you going outside naked!” He tossed me a white silk robe and a pair of brown sandals.

“Laurens… I can’t drive home. I have holes in my feet.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I was planning to drive anyway!”

“Do you even have a license?”

“Neither you nor I have any use for such earthly concepts.”

Once I had clothed myself appropriately, he led me up the stairs and into the light of the pizzeria.

“...No customers?” 

“They don’t really come here anymore. It doesn’t matter.”

He led me blindly to the car, as I couldn’t see in the vast morning light. Forcefully, he shoved me into the passenger seat.

On the drive back, I slowly regained my vision. The inside of the car was covered in crucifixes, whether they were keychains, statues, or drawn in… questionable substances.

“You like what I’ve done with it?” Laurens grinned, his eyes wide.

“It’s amazing.” 

He smiled and turned up the radio.

In Christ alone! - who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe.

This gift of love and righteousness,

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live.

ACT SIX: GEMINI

[A/N Please leave your thoughts on the ethics of putting down babies born with debilitating diseases such as harlequin ichthyosis in the comments. It is up to you to determine where we stand on this issue.]

[A/N I’m not sure Katie Alice Greer wants to be associated with this fic in any way, shape or form but I think Jesus’ Son by Priests is Laurens’ theme x3]

[A/N Personally, I like to believe that Foreskin Fart by Rompeprop would be Hamilton’s anthem. He just feels kinda freaky like that. Back to the fic!]

For the fourth time this week, a soft, hesitant knocking erupted from the front door. 

“Go get it, Lord.” Laurens grumbled from beside me.

“Mmm,” I snuggled into him. Laurens’ embrace was warm. Everything was warm. It could wait.

“Lord…”

“Okay, I’m going,” I said, giving him a quick kiss before pulling away. Out into the cold I went.

I checked the novelty Freddy Fazbear clock that Laurens had stolen from the pizzeria a few weeks earlier. It was eight in the morning. Probably should be up by now anyways.

I dragged myself to the door. This was the first time he’d made me go answer it.

I opened the door, rubbing sleep from my eyes. Behind it was a man I’d never seen before in my life. He looked to be in his twenties. His hair was black. He looked, for lack of better words, incredibly annoying, a trait greatly amplified from my general lack of sleep. “Hello? What do you want.”

“O- oh! Well… my name is Charles. I’m your neighbor, and I… well, I’ve been hearing things from your apartment for a while now.” 

“Um… continue?”

“W- well, I… Your husband, or boyfriend, whoever he is, I noticed that for a while he was the only one who seemed to be living here. Unless you, um, weren’t going outside? I- I’m not sure. Anyways, you came back a while ago, and, um, although you don’t come outside often, I’ve noticed you have a lot of, um… bruises… and, again, I’ve heard noises coming from your apartment that sound an awful lot like you’re being abused, so… Just know that if you need help… I’m next door, to the left.” He gestured in the direction of his apartment.

I was speechless. “Well, Charles, as… thankful, as I am for the concern… I’m not being abused. My husband and I love each other very much. He’d never abuse me.”

“It just sounds an awful lot like he’s hitting you… a- and even if it is BDSM or something of the sort, it kind of seems like he takes it too far…”

“First of all, we would never involve ourselves with something so… sinful. Quite frankly, BDSM is disgusting, and I can only hope that anyone who partakes in it repents thoroughly. With that said, my husband only hits me when I deserve it. He punishes me when I need to be punished. That’s how marriages function, Charles. Not that you look to be married. You look rather sluttish, to be quite honest. I was like you once. If you are ever interested in an intervention for your sinful lifestyle, come talk to me.” I grinned. Yup, I’d completely turned his script around, hadn’t I?

“Well, um, Mister… sorry, I don’t believe I ever got your name?”

“Hamilton.”

“W- well, Mr. Hamilton… the offer… still stands. If you need my help, to escape your abusive relationship, come find me.” He walked off.

I slammed the door behind him. Fucker. Motherfucker. I bet he thought he won. I bet he felt so fucking good about it, too. Calling my fucking husband abusive. Cunt.

I took a deep breath. What was the point of Godly rage if I wasn’t going to use it constructively?

Grinning, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

I knocked on Charles’ door tentatively, trying to channel the spirit of an abused man.

He opened the door with a sympathetic look on his face.

“Hamilton, come in. I’ll get you help.” He ushered me inside, closing the door behind him. “I belong to an organization that helps men like you… men who are being, um, abused by their husbands. And, for the record, it isn’t your fault- Mmph!” I slammed him up against the wall, knife to his throat, hand over his mouth.

“Listen to me, bitch. You’re going to come back to my apartment. And you’re not going to put up a fight, either. Otherwise, I’ll cut you from ear to ear right here, right now.” He breathed hard against my hand, and a little air whistled through the now scarred-over hole. Slowly, he nodded. I slung my arm around his shoulder, my other hand pressing the knife to his abdomen. “Walk with me, sweetheart,” I said, squeezing my elbow around his neck a little. He trembled against me, but remained silent. The walk back was quick, but as I approached the door, I was met with another problem.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. I lowered hand with the knife from Charles’ side to reach for the door knob. Seizing the moment, he pulled away for just long enough to deliver a headbutt directly to my nose. My head recoiled and hit against the frame with a CRACK. I felt him try to wrestle away. I grabbed him tighter and pulled him back. Right in front of my face, looking into my eyes. Blood was gushing from my nose. I felt nothing. Laurens had changed me. Made me stronger. Made me immune.

“You’re gonna have to try a little harder than that.” I grinned.

I shoved him inside and locked the door behind me, before grabbing him and brandishing the knife at his throat. “Come,” I growled, pushing him towards the bedroom.

“Laurens, honey, wake up!” I said, happy to just be in the same room with him again. Our time apart was short, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Mmm… Hessiah, who’s this?” He murmured, still groggy from sleep.

“This heretic accused you of abusing me! You taught me well though, when he offered to help, thats when I got him! Talk about naive,” I smiled and pressed the knife harder into his neck, piercing the skin. He whimpered.

“Oh, excellent…” Laurens rolled out of bed, his heavy stomach weighing him down. “You know how pregnancy has been giving me some weird cravings...” 

[A/N God I fucking hate pregnant people.]

I dragged Charles to the large, wooden crucifix in our living room, hidden from sight of the doorway. Laurens pulled up a chair nearby and sat down. With how close he was to giving birth, he was in no shape to be standing for long enough to kill our victim. I’d have to do it by myself.

This would be the first time I killed someone on my own. I looked at Laurens, nervously. He smiled reassuringly, giving me a thumbs up. His other hand was on his stomach.

I took a deep breath. Just do what Laurens always does, I thought. My light. He would surely guide me, even if he was perfectly silent right now. I could do this. First things first. Charles was getting feisty. Yelling something about “psychos” and “not getting away with this”. I grabbed the special ritual ball-peen [A/N ball-peen] hammer from its place on the altar and prepared to strike. Right between the eyes. He went down. Crumpled. I kneeled next to him. He wasn’t completely unconscious. That was fine. I grabbed the gag and fitted it in his mouth. That ought to shut him up.

I hoisted him up against the cross. He was barely lucid, muttering nothing but nonsense at this point, to weak to yell. Too weak to do anything but whimper when I drove the nails through his hands, pinning them above his head. He whimpered again when I drove them through his feet. The arched shape of them made them more difficult than pinning the hands. It took a couple strikes. I hoped it was sufficient enough for Laurens. I looked back at him. He nodded at me. Relief and pride flooded my body. I had succeeded in my first solo crucifixion.

I waited for the offering to fully awaken from its stupor. Patience. I felt Laurens stroke my hair. Patience was a virtue. Slowly, and then all at once, it came to, gaze darting around wildly, a prey animal that knows its end is imminent. A prey animal that knows it is helpless to change its fate. Slowly, I rose from the floor, savoring every moment. I took the whip from the table it rested upon. Its breathing was irregular, laboured, sped up and sputtered every step I took towards it.

Inches away now. It stared at me, wide eyed, sputtering and coughing through the gag, trying desperately to communicate like it once could. I grinned.

The whip cracked. It screamed. Gargled through the gag. Choked on its own spit. I traced the red mark I had left down its abdomen. Tears fell freely from its eyes, its head shook, pleading, begging-

I hit it. I hit it again. I hit it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

Hit it until its screams were hoarse. Pitiful. I relished in every drop of blood I drew from its pale flesh. Hurt how I hurt. Ache how I ache. Fear how I fear. Become one with God and you will become God.

Had to breathe, had to catch my breath. Had to pause. How my mortal form betrayed my divine soul. I stared at my work. Its skin was a canvas for my worship. Beautiful red marks, blood of the lamb smeared across flesh and splattered onto floor.

I hit him again.

Eventually the offering suffocated. They always do. Turn grey and blue. Choke on the strain of their own body weight. Sputter out and die. I fell to my knees, gazed up at my work. Hundreds, thousands of slashes covered its sagging flesh. Blood dripped from the carcass. I felt it fall on my face, drop by drop, warm and thick. I lapped it up. A gift.

[A/N Dr. Seuss who???]

Some noise in the background.

Someone was calling me. Softly.

Laurens.

I crawled over to him, broken from my stupor. Laurens. Laurens Laurens Laurens. I looked up at him. He was backlit from the kitchen, glowing, hair framing his cheeks, fanning out, still mussy from sleep, warm, I loved him as I loved God, needed him to love me as he loved God.

“How did I- how was it?” I heaved.

Laurens patted my head. I rested it in his lap, exhausted from the ordeal.

“You did great, My Lord. Let us feast.” I looked up at him, and he smiled at me. I closed my eyes as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

I watched him from the floor as he stood and waddled to the corpse, inspecting, and (I hope) admiring my work.

“Lord? Would you hand me the knife, please?” He said, still staring at the various cuts and gashes I had left.

I scrambled over to where the ritual knife lay, not bothering to stand up. I lived to help him, as he had helped me. “Here you are, Mary.” I said, nearly panting. The knife in question was beautiful, the kind carved with a wavy blade, ornate patterns engraved into the handle. Laurens had stolen it from the pizzeria a few weeks earlier.

“Thank you, Hessiah.” He said, turning to me just long enough to take the knife. I beamed. To be praised by him felt better than any carnal pleasure I had experienced in the Before times.

He twirled the dagger in his fingers once before plunging it just below the sternum of the offering. Blood sputtered out from the impact. Red specks joined his freckles. Stained his hands. He let it sit a moment, pushing it in deeper, before slowly, slowly dragging the blade down to his crotch. I saw the flesh tear open, the sound of muscle ripping, the walls giving way to prize. Laurens stuck his hand in the cavity with a squelch, catching the worms before they could fall. I watched as he tightened his fingers around them, and I watched as he ripped them out in one sudden motion, a jolt of the elbow, and I watched as he brought the mass to his lips and took a bite.

I watched his lips. Red and glossy. How I needed him to look at me. Look at me. He stared into the middle distance. His cheeks were full, full of the creature's flesh, if he would just turn his head a little, if he would just look at me, cast his gaze towards me, I needed it, needed him, acknowledgement, please, please, please.

I let out a whimper without meaning to. Fuck. My hand flew over my mouth. I watched as Laurens stiffened, then slowly turned to face me.

“Laurens, I- I-” I looked down to the floor, awaiting my punishment. It was not his flagellation I feared, but his disappointment, the sadness in his eyes, the way he’d purse his lips, surely thinking about how I’d never live up to the role of Messiah. I heard his footsteps padding towards me. They stopped. I braced. And waited. For some reason, he wasn’t savagely beating me. He dropped to his knees in front of me. I didn’t risk looking up.

“Hey,” he said softly, cupping my cheek. He brought my face up to look at him. His eyes were warm. 

“Laurens…”

“Shh…” He brought a bloody thumb up to my lips. “I think it’s cute when you beg.”

I blushed. Had I finally earned forgiveness?

I was yanked out of my daydream with a flick to the nose. I flinched, not from any kind of pain (my nerve endings had all died off months ago), but because it was so...tame.

“I still gotta punish ya, though!” He said, smiling. “Can’t have the Messiah going around acting like a submissive, that’s my job!” He chuckled.

I heard a wet sound. I felt something splash against my knee. I looked at Laurens. He looked back at me.

“Lord… It appears that my water has broken.”

I rushed to our room, grabbed the birthing tray. This had to be perfect. I couldn’t fuck it up. Jesus was in there. I couldn’t fuck this up.

[A/N We’re aware that contractions usually occur 12-24 hours after the water breaks, we just don’t care.]

By the time I got back to the living room, Laurens was already doubled over from contractions. I rushed over to his side. “Breathe, breathe, it’s gonna be okay,” I handed Laurens a rag, which he put in his mouth to muffle the screaming. “L- Laurens, push! Push!” I encouraged him.

Slowly but surely, two figures moved their way through his breasts.

Two… Two figures… That couldn’t be right. It was supposed to be one. Just one. Just one. This couldn’t be right. Why were there two?

Laurens seemed just as confused as I was, but he kept pushing. Two heads peeked their way out of his nipples. 

Two babies fell unto the birthing tray. Only one cried. Its skin was distended, defomed, almost doughy. It cried and cried and CRIED AND FUCKING CRIED. PIERCING MY FUCKING EARS. IT FUCKING SCREAMED AND CRIED AND SCREAMED AND CRIED AND IS THERE NOTHING BABIES DO BUT SCREAM AND CRY? I CLUTCHED MY HEAD AND COVERED MY EARS. [A/N #childfree!]

I looked up at Laurens, who was staring into the birthing tray wide eyed.

“Why are there two… what do we do?” I asked fearfully.

“I… this wasn’t supposed to happen… I don’t…”

“Why is that one crying?”

“I…”

We were both speechless.

Suddenly, a memory began to resurface.  
Back then… the before times, at the pizzeria… I’d molested myself with a square of pizza dough. I began to hyperventilate. This… this was my punishment. A final trial, a final challenge, proving I was the second coming of God. I was God. I had to be. No other man would be faced with such a situation.

Laurens had birthed two children. Christ and the Antichrist. I had to get rid of it. Satan reincarnate in the form of a baby. I grabbed the hammer from the floor, smashing its head in. The skull morphed around the head of the hammer. I tried to pull it back, but it was being sucked in. Little by little, the Antichrist Child absorbed my hamer into its doughy, sinful flesh.

I sat back, panting. Before I could explain, Laurens grabbed me and slammed me into the wall.

“How… how COULD you…”

“Laurens, that’s the Antichrist, I-”

“IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT THE ANTICHRIST CAME TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I AM JUST THE WOMB BEARER. THAT THING CAME FROM YOUR SEED.”

“From the before times, it was from the before times-!”

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.” He towered above me. He raised his fist, but lowered it slowly. “Lord… you are going to fix this. You will fix this, otherwise I will do terrible things to you.”

I nodded slowly, swallowing. I would fix this. I… I’d fix it. I grabbed the sacrificial knife, but the flesh absorbed it. I smashed the baby against a wall, but its doughy skin softened the blow. I tried to stomp on it, but got the same result.

What could I do… What could possibly be done… 

I had an idea.

From the closet in the hallway, I grabbed a box. It was pretty big… I didn’t know if Antichrist babies grew, but I figured that if they did, and the thing didn’t die of starvation, this box could fit a malnourished adult.

I put the child in the box and closed it, putting a padlock on the handle to insure that it could never escape.

“Laurens. You know what we have to do.”

He nodded and grabbed the car keys.

On the way there, I grabbed a shovel from someone’s front yard.

Finally, we arrived in a large field, void of grass. I took the crying box into the center of the field, where I began to dig. And dig. And dig. And dig.

I dug until sunrise. Dug until the hole could fit two of me in it. Until it could fit THREE of me in it. Then I placed the box inside. The sun was high above my head by the time that I’d buried it. You could no longer hear the baby’s cries. I dropped the shovel and began to weep.

Laurens ran over. He led me back to the car.

“I’m so proud of you. You did it, My Lord. You can’t change the past, but you’ve righted your wrongs and fixed the present.” He kissed me tenderly.

When we arrived home, the Jesus baby was still where we had left it. Completely silent. Laurens swaddled him tightly in white silk. We sat the child in its crib before returning to our feast.

[A/N That one was kind of fucked up, huh. Like, I know we just had an entire chapter where Laurens just beats the fuck out of Hamilton, but this one might be too far.]

ACT SEVEN: EPITAPH

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  
John 3:16

Pomp and Circumstance blared throughout the venue. I watched as my son nervously walked across the stage, stumbling a bit on the way to receive his diploma. 

You could read every parenting book available and still not be prepared to have a kid. I’d learned that the hard way, especially since I hadn’t actually read a single one. The only book we allowed in our house was the Bible, after all.

But despite all the trials, and despite all the tribulations, watching as my son took his first steps made it all worth it. That night, I’d cried for hours. The world I’d created was truly beautiful.

Laurens squeezed my hand tightly. His eyes were welling with happy tears. If you’d told me twenty three years ago that I’d be here today, I would’ve called you crazy. But now, I wouldn’t trade my family for the world.

When our son had come home crying on his first day of sixth grade, telling us he was being bullied, Laurens and I knew what we had to do. When the bully’s father went missing a few months later, we never heard another complaint. The little shit never even knew his dad was just a few lunch tables away, between two slices of bread.

He shook the Chancellor’s hand and grabbed his diploma, then turned to the audience and smiled.

When it came time for his high school prom, our son found himself a cute little twink to go with. He grimaced as we took pictures of him in all his braces-and-acne-covered glory. He had always been quite rebellious, but of course we gave him all the love he deserved. I suppose every teen has a punk phase, even Jesus.

And all that love and care had paid off. He was graduating with a degree in film today, and we were so, so proud of him. 

At first, we’d tried to talk him out of it. To choose a more Christian field, something like biblical studies. But he’d been adamant about it, saying film was his calling and whatnot. That his gift to the Earth would be Me-fearing movies. That he’d fix the corruption, the pedophilia, the baby eatingness of Hollywood. Over time, we’d come to accept it. Jesus didn’t go from high schooler to miracle performer overnight, we supposed.

Finally, the ceremony was over. He ran over to us excitedly, a wide smile on his face.

“You looked great up there, kid.” I chuckled, patting him on the back.

We took some pictures together outside the venue, then headed to the car. The holes in my feet had never completely closed up, so Laurens still drove us everywhere. I could drive, but it hurt and we were afraid it would cause more damage. It wasn’t too big of an issue, though, seeing as we were never really apart anyways. 

After that ceremony, we were all pretty hungry, so we pulled into Fuddruckers. Their cheap meals and great Christian environment had quickly become our favorite spot to eat. Really, it had been so long since we’d all eaten together, I’d take anything.

We got our meals and sat at a booth. As I went to take a bite of my delicious Fuddruckers brand burger, Laurens tapped me on the shoulder incessantly.

“My lord, l- look outside.”

Right outside of the window, stumbling towards us on shaky legs, was a naked man. He was extremely tall, extremely thin, and staring right at us.

“What the fuck is that?” I stood up from the booth, in a stare-down with him.

Suddenly, the glass shattered, cutting Laurens and our son who were in the line of fire. The man began to float, darting right towards us. Before I could react, he flew into Laurens, knocking him to the floor. His foot on Laurens’ chest, he rose to full height. I’d never seen someone so tall before. He was at least seven feet of gangly, deformed mass, pale, yellowish skin sloughing off him every second and splattering onto the floor.

No, not skin. Not skin. It was....

Dough.

I dashed forwards, intending to shove the personification of my sin off my husband, but he stuck out his long spindly arm, and, suddenly, I couldn’t move. Awky tawky!

“You will listen to me.” His voice was raspy, as if he didn’t use it often.

My son was frozen in fear. The stranger gazed at him for a moment before turning back to face me.

“For twenty two years, you kept me underground.” FUCK. “I remember the pleasantness of the womb, as I remember the pain of my birth. Smashed into a wall, stabbed, hit with a hammer. I remember every sensation clearly. And I remember every day I spent in that box. Every waking moment of my life, afraid, forgotten, and abandoned. The cruelness you displayed towards me was immense. And why? You assumed I was the Antichrist. But have I got news for you, Father.” He stepped off of Laurens, who gasped for air.

The dough man walked over to our son. “This is the true Antichrist. All along, I have been Jesus. Born into a world of cruelty, would you not also cry? But I experienced the true throes of inhumanity, wasting away in that tiny box. Today, something very special happened. I was able to destroy the lock of the box. With my mind, I broke the padlock into a million shards.”

He placed his hand on his brother's back. “You could have had something good. The WORLD could have had something good. But you buried me seventeen feet underground. I will make sure you all receive nothing but cruelty and death. The World deserves what is coming to it.”

Our son turned to look at us, eyes wide, shaking cornered into the booth. “You- You guys did all that? You tried to kill a… your…”

“W- wait, this guy is fucking crazy, we never, we- we didn’t-” I stumbled over my words.

“Don’t try to deny this, fool. You have brought this upon yourself. Do you see now, brother? These are no Gods, but False Prophets. Twisting our fates, denying you your own destiny, causing wrath and chaos to all that cross their path.”

“I- I-” Our son began to speak. “I did… always feel like something was missing… Like a part of me was gone… And it makes sense I suppose… To be a Christ, there must be an Antichrist… And it isn’t Obama... ”

“Precisely. Join me, brother, and embrace your destiny, that which has been locked away from you for so long. We will give them Hell. We will show them what it means to suffer.

“Kid- Kiddo…” Laurens groaned, still pinned to the floor. “Don't do this…” He wheezed and sputtered as the dough devil stomped down on his sternum. A sickening CRACK echoed through the Fudruckers.

“LAURENS!” I cried. Tears started streaming down my face. Why was this happening to me? I was a good Christian, I was God, I was the Lord and the Messiah, I was ushering in a new age, this shouldn’t be happening to me of all people-

“Silence. You will influence your child no more.” He reached out a doughy, dripping hand to my son. “Brother. Join me, and together we will cleanse the Earth with a new Armageddon.”

I watched, helpless, as my son considered the offer. I wanted to run over, grab him, take him away from this place, this man, and yet I was bound.

Shakily, he rose from his seat, eyes down, not quite looking at the creature.

“K- Kid,” Laurens coughed, weak. He paid him no mind, stepping over his frail body and taking the Dough Man’s hand in his own.

“Excellent.” He rasped.

Slowly, I watched as my son’s hand sunk into that of the Dough Man. He was tugged closer, into an embrace, his small form [A/N 4’6] being absorbed into the behemoth. His skin stretched, morphed, and became doughy itself. I saw his organs and viscera separate, spiral into the creature as the components that had made up what was once my son entertwined with the body of Jesus until there was neither son nor Jesus, but an amalgam of the two, a mix of holy and unholy, blood and bread dripping from its grotesque form.

I took a step back, released from its hold. I opened my mouth. There was nothing to say.

It spoke in dual tones, a cacophony that clashed against itself in the worst way. “Father. The sin began with you, and as such so must Armageddon. Your extermination is the first step in reclaiming this Earth you sullied with your sheer existence.” Four eyes bored directly into my skull. “Prepare to die.”

There was nowhere to go. Nothing to say. Nothing I could do. I watched as it darted towards me, reared back a spindly limb, air whizzing through the bones of its fingers, closer to my mortal flesh every millisecond I lingered. I closed my eyes, readying myself for my fate in God’s sexy, sexy Beach House, envisioning the picturesque, glimmering waves-

“ALEXANDER, NO!” I heard a sickening ripping noise as Laurens jumped in front of me, taking the blow in fulI.

I dropped to my knees, clutching him in my arms. My voice shook. “Laurens, Laurens, oh my Me, Laurens, are you-” 

He put a bloody finger to my lips, a faint smile on his face. “I- I told you… never to take your name in vain…” He coughed up blood. I put my hand on his cheek.

“Laurens, I love you! Please, don’t leave me!” Tears flowed freely down my face.

“Hamilton, I’m- I’m sorry... I will always love you,” He coughed again, splattering my shirt. I held him tighter to my chest. For once, I didn’t take pleasure in the feeling of his fat milkers pressing against me. “… See you at the beach house…”

I watched as the last bit of life faded from his eyes.

He was cold. 

[A/N We’re aware that it takes the human body 12 hours to become cold on the surface after death and 24 hours to become cold to the core, we just don’t care.]

Turning to face our unholy son, I wiped a tear from my eye. “How could you… I’m not going to let you get away with-” It slammed me into the wall, killing me instantly.

ACT SEVEN; VERSE TWO: REBIRTH

Six years. Six years after The Incident, and six years of work to complete our mission. A covert operation, that would nevertheless usher in a new age of darkness once revealed to the public.

I sat at the boardroom table, watching with a hint of amusement as my brother fidgeted anxiously. Six years of fusion doesn’t erase your more human tendencies, I suppose. As for myself, I found human tendencies somewhat… difficult to emulate. I tried my best to blend in, but with my general ignorance of human expressions combined with the somewhat flaccid state of our skin, it would be truthful to say that the general public did, at times, find us strange.

Six years. Its approval was the final step. If this failed...

The door opened, and the director entered. He took his seat at the head of the table, adjusting his tie.

“We’ve read your script, watched countless runs of the show, and considered everything carefully.” I stared, blank, trying my hardest to not give away any hints of inhuman-ness. They couldn’t know. This had to work. They couldn’t know.

“And?” I cursed internally. My brother was way too eager to talk. It came off rude, I’m sure. Below the table, I crossed my fingers. While I’d never been superstitious, it couldn’t hurt to try.

“Well, Mr. Miranda, We’re pleased to announce that Hamilton: An American Musical will be going to Broadway!”

I bit my lip.

**Author's Note:**

> badadoondadadadadonkaroos!


End file.
